[Reality TV]
HOST: Welcome to America’s Next Top Psychic! Please, try not to–*One contestant stands up*: I WON!
H: –ruin it.
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If you want to suddenly be surrounded by small children & animals, crinkle a candy wrapper.
Doctor: so, how did you injure your rotator cuff?
Me, remembering reaching for the wet wipes on the back of the toilet: TENNIS
Never go to a combination dentist / proctologist…..
but if you do, get the dental work first.
Tampon boxes should come with a “It’s not safe to walk around naked with a tampon string hanging out if you own a cat.” warning.
*first date*
Yep. I like all the things.*fourth date*
And that, Sandra, is why I would not hesitate to kick a pigeon.
The next time you hear a celebrity saying, “we’ll get through this together,” send them your electric bill with a thank you note.
I made a mix tape for a girl in the 90’s & she responded by giving me a blank cassette titled “What I Like About You”.
I ruined so many good songs for myself by making them my alarm clock sound
OK, guy with the two kayaks and two bikes strapped to his Subaru Outback: settle down. Save some outdoors for the rest of us.
me: [sits bolt upright in bed]
usain: stop doing that
I think the main issue with ‘The Hunger Games’ is that while her life is at stake, boy problems are still presented as legitimate threats.
My new party trick.. I swallow two pieces of string and an hour later they come out of my ass tied together….I shit you knot…
Kinda gross IMO, but I guess everyone needs a hobby.
Internet Company: What are your hours of availability so we can do your installation?
Me: Between 8am and 12pm
Internet Company: Great, we’ll be there between 12pm and 6pm
My son to me, describing waking up without clothes on in the hospital after surgery when he was 6: “You have no idea what it feels like to wake up naked in a strange bed with no idea how you got there.”
Me: “Sure I don’t.”
I’m the kind of guy who peeks under bathroom stalls and asks where you go for taxes.
My wife was livid when I told her I used all of our savings to buy stock in Bose.
I told her to relax, it’s a sound investment.
ME: here’s your bday present!
BUDDY: [tries to grab it but it won’t budge] did u wrap your own hand flipping the bird again
ME: just open it
Interviewer: “Is this glass half empty or half full?”
Guy: “It’s completely full.”
Interviewer: “You’re hired. Welcome to Lay’s.”
BARISTA: Would you like to try our new special Peruvian blend? It’s sm-
ME: I’m just trying to stay awake and not punch anyone.
Me: Turn right on Johnson Street.
Her: I don’t know the street names, just give me landmarks.
Me: Ok turn right at the sign that says Johnson Street.
Wife: I’m thinking of taking the kids away for the weekend
Me: All of them?
Wife: Yes, both kids
Me: I meant all of the weekends
Wife:…..
No need to drive me crazy. I can walk from here.
My goldfish died. The good news is I’m inheriting a tiny treasure chest.
Dog 1: *whispering* you got any drugs?
Dog 2: who said that? Are you a spider?
I’ve stopped drinking for good. I only drink for evil now.
Me refusing to admit that my favourite shirt is a bit too tight now
My villain origin story is seeing the Twitter ad for the dog pooping toothpaste 1000 times in a day and finally snapping.
So excited! I’m taking an online grammar class. No more typos for me.
Nolege is power biches!