[Reality TV]
HOST: Welcome to America’s Next Top Psychic! Please, try not to–*One contestant stands up*: I WON!
H: –ruin it.
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I put the hummingbird feeder by the other bird feeders so the hummingbirds are forced to learn some social skills.
Anxious person at a party: Oh! This is a lovely front door! Let me see what it looks like from the outside.
My mom once called me at 3am to tell me some long lost relative died and hung up on me when I asked if they’d still be dead at 8am.
some guy at this bar in cork asked me where i was from and i was like “oh i live in new york.” and he was like “oh have you heard of 9/11?”
I forgot the word “memorial” so I called it a dead person shout out.
WHAT DO WE WANT?
A NAP!!
THEN WHY ARE WE YELLING?
DAD: when your grandpa died we planted that tree so we don’t forget him
ME: cool
[later]
TREE: You still remember grandpa chuck?
ME: yeah
TREE: cool just checkin
[nail salon]
Excuse me, do you do filing here?
“Yes of course we do!”
Great! I need a good refund
*hands over tax forms*
Avenge me but only if it’s convenient.
Hey, I tried to parallel park into a spot and goosed it twice so I’m just gonna go home. Enjoy brunch though, I’ll catch you next week.
If there is no shredded cheese in my bra right now, I have failed
I tried to be polite and hold the door open for a woman, but she kept screaming, “I’m peeing in here!”
Me to Kids: …and so the princess married the first person who asked her, and that’s called ‘settling,’ can you say ‘never settle,’ children?
Husband, walking in: What the- what kind of bedtime story is THAT?
Me, fleeing room: And they all lived happilyeveraftergoodnight!
6yo: Mommy, I hope you don’t have the doctor cut your belly open to get the baby out.
4yo: Yeah, hopefully they just do the way where they squeeze it out.
Me: I’m not sure either of you really understands how labor and delivery works.
Nothing’s sadder than the look on my dog’s face when I reach under the kitchen table to pet her and she realizes my hand is empty.
One of the fun things about being married is your spouse stops asking what you want from take out restaurants.
You get what you got last time.
Want something else? Too bad. You should have ordered it last time.
My lack of exercise is really catching up to me. Now it’s passing me. Wow, my lack of exercise is in great shape.
Text:
Me: I want you to know I love you from the depths of my soul. You are my essence & the reason I live. With you, I am whole.
Her: K
“Well…it’s basically a cellular phone that you have to join a cult to use.”
– Steve Jobs explaining the iPhone
You know, my dream for gaming is where in one game you’ll shoot someone and then during a game of say Fifa you’ll see their son crying
Went on ChristianMingle .com and kept asking myself, “Who Would Jesus Do”?
Trojan condoms were named after a city that was maliciously and deceitfully entered and then burned to the ground? Hmmm….
Clock: oh shit, I am
Me: looks like the clock’s a bit fast
[100 year old man on job interview]
“Do you have any references?”
Sure, hold on. *pulls out Ouija board*
It’s my potent alchemy of humility and charisma that has you off-kilter. Give yourself a moment to adjust.
hitman: *assassinates banana* oh wait this is my shopping list
The person who named the eggplant must have been:
a) Colorblind, and
b) Totally high
I’m for traditional marriage, mostly because I want to know how many goats I’m worth.
At my funeral, I’m stipulating in my will that after the eulogy is read the crowd can have 15 minutes for rebuttal, just to be fair.
My 7yo son has learnt how important it is to spell properly after I took him to a sweatshop for his birthday, as requested.