Realized I never said “unquote” after reciting a famous poem in 10th grade. Sorry if you thought everything I’ve said since is Shakespeare
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My dentist said my teeth were stained and asked if I smoke or drink coffee? I said, “I drink it.”
I treat the Steam store like the fridge.
I keep opening it to look even though I know there’s nothing in there I want.
Cop *pulling me over*: alright, is there anything I should know about?
Me: heart attack symptoms of men and women differ a lot. Men have chest pain while women mostly feel nauseous
Cop: awesome, see, I didn’t know that. Have a nice day
My toxic trait is telling people I’m down for anything when in reality I mean not after 8 pm, food should be involved, and it also depends on the weather, the parking situation, and how tired I am
Me : Sorry Boss, I’m late as I had to drop my girlfriend at her college.
Boss : If you are late again you are fired.
Me : Fine, YOU can drop your daughter at college from tomorrow.
Cop: Here’s a ticket for reckless driving
Me: I’m flattered thank you but I have never even heard of that band
Me: When I was little I was never allowed in grandma and grandad’s bed if I was scared.
6yo: That’s sad Mommy. I’m going to tell grandma and grandad that they have to let you in their bed tomorrow.
Me: Oh no no no baby. I’m good!
5 SECONDS AGO!
What do we want?
TIME TRAVEL JOKES!
When do we want them?
I hate when someone is killed in a movie. While normal ppl watch the scene, all i’m doing is try to catch the dead character breathing.
[Me as a Sunday school teacher]
…then on the third day Odin went to Valhalla so that warriors who died in battle would have eternal life.
You can’t touch this.
You can’t touch this.
You can’t touch this.
You can’t touch this.Lyrics to a beloved 90s hit, or parent to an over-curious toddler? The world may never know.
Surprised my wife with a paper airplane her reaction proves that women don’t care about origami
One day I’m going to cure blindness. You’ll see! You’ll all see!
Someone I have known for 15 years, just completely ignored me in the grocery store. This is the best day ever.
I like that they snuck the word “strum” right in the middle of “instrument”
I always assume people with red cars were drunk when they went to the dealership.
“I’m married to a raving lunatic.”
– Actual quote from my husband, yesterday, confiding in our neighbor’s golden retreiver.Joke’s on him. That dog tells me everything.
I like to wait to board the plane so the person seated next to me thinks they’ll have extra space and then I come in right before the door closes and ruin their lives
Received some very disappointing news today
Note to the 82 year old widow who won the Powerball jackpot last night:
Sup, girl?
You may not like the word “moist” but the alternative is “endampened” and I’ll not have endampened cake.
When I’m at a restaurant and see ‘secret sauce’ on the menu, I immediately tell the people at the table next to me
I bought a smart light switch but was regularly getting outwitted, so swapped it for a dimmer switch.
Writing tip: Read all your writing aloud to yourself, having first made a pentagram on the floor in salt. A demon should form in the pentagram. Give him your manuscript and tell him the name of your preferred publisher.
Before gravity was invented you had to tie down your cows or your cows would just float away
This is your pilot speaking. We’ll be taking off shortly once our flight crew confirms that this is, in fact, an airplane
The tooth fairy was drunk again last night and dropped her phone on 8’s head
I love that cats slap the shit out of everything they cant understand.
Establish dominance by dying while you have out of town guests.
My cat caught me watching cat videos on the Internet so we now have a shared Twitter and Facebook account.