@abbycohenwl: Realized I never said "unquote" after reciting a famous poem in 10th grade. Sorry if you thought everything I've said since is Shakespeare
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@LoneWolfStories: That's one healthy flower bed you've got blooming in your backyard. How many bodies do you have buried there? -My attempts at small talk.
@hazelmotes1: My coworker left my office an hour ago, but the smell of his cologne remains, like some kind of douchbag ghost.
@LizHackett: "Dammit. I had shit planned today." -- a spider being carried out of the house with a cup and piece of paper