Realized I never said “unquote” after reciting a famous poem in 10th grade. Sorry if you thought everything I’ve said since is Shakespeare
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Divorce math is ending the year 10lbs heavier but 180lbs lighter
Boss: “Do you know why I called you in here?”
Me: “To see if I can read minds?”
Pro tip: Never explain to your wife that it’s the washer and dryer that actually does the laundry.
When Al Pacino was young he was all the Beatles at once.
It used to be that at least once a week you’d walk down the street and see a piano dropped on someone’s head from an apartment above and that person would pop out of the top with piano key teeth. this is what they’ve taken from us
Why is it then when things are going well we say everything is “peachy”? What elevated the peach above all other fruits to define itself as all that is good? What did it do to deserve such an accolade?
I see you peach, and I’m watching
You: My kid loves piano
My kid: *licking the piano keys*
Me: Same
Just saw a horse drawn cart. Wasn’t a very good cart. Horses are terrible artists.
As a fan of Dirty Dancing I can only hope that when we go on holiday one of my daughters sleeps with a middle aged dance instructor.
normalize asking bartenders if they’ve “heard any rumours lately” so they can give you a fun little side quest
You think you have it rough, try driving with two Pringles cans on your hands
“Hear me out. I know the cookies are a solid fundraiser, but picture this… mobile margarita truck!”
– and that was the last time I was on the planning committee for the local Girl Scouts.
Whole Foods just notified me that I’ve won a “Lifetime Supply of Fresh Kale” which in my case is one kale.
Stealing endorsements is not how you become the president of the United States, homie. Leave my name out ya mouth…
It’s October which means it’s basically Halloween which means Thanksgiving is right around the corner which means it’s pretty much Christmas so Happy New Year everyone.
my parents often told me I would lose my own head if it wasn’t screwed on and now that I’m an adult I want to know what tools I need to have it screwed off
How did Hitler tie his shoes?
In knotsies.
(The unfollow button is only a click away)
Only thing sexier than a bad decisions is a bad decision with queso.
Son: Dad, I’m gay. Do you still love me?
Me: Ask your mother
God: you run really fast.
Horse: sweet.
God: people ride you in circles for sport.
Horse: kindof weird but ok
God: also don’t break a leg.
Horse: why?
God:
Horse: God? why?
SPOUSE: Why is there a cow in the front yard?
ME: Remember how I really wanted a riding lawnmower, but we couldn’t afford one?
SPOUSE: Yeah.
ME: Well, for entirely unrelated reasons I stole a cow.
my kid: how much venom does a scorpion store in his tail?
me: idk, want me to google it?
him: no, didn’t you go to college? you should know this
me: umm yeah i have a bachelors degree
him: oh so you’re only licensed to go to bachelor party, makes sense
I did it! I found the worst thing on the internet. A combination of so much awful.
Sooo romantic. He said I’m a work of art.
Or a piece of work. Something like that.
Wizard of Oz (1939) A hapless brain injured teen is led down the wrong path to heroin, cosplay, organ harvesting and ultimately homicide
– Hey babe, do you like how I did my makeup?
– Yes and if you want I can go and kill Batman with you.
[interrogation]
“What do u do for a living?”
Jewel thief.
“Louder for the tape.”
[leans in]
Cool beef. I bring hot beef down in temperature.
That soy sauce packet is just living rent free in your drawers
Heroes and Herpes are just one tiny letter different, and other things I find out when I’m not wearing my glasses.
I’m convinced that my washing machine is a portal to a world where one-legged men hop around in my socks.