@shegotagronk: Realized it was time to seek help for my Twitter addiction after I opened a carton of eggs and said "Oh look, 12 new followers!"
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@thatUPSdude: Turns out if your grandmother dies more than 6 times in a year, HR will start to question your request for time off.
@FatherWithTwins: Remember: whatever fun game you invent for your kids, you're going to have to play it 10,000 times
@trevso_electric: If you want to know what a girl will look like in 30 years, stop talking to her and show up to her house in 30 years to check on her.
@Supafunkadunka: Just saw a coyote next to the highway. I hope this tunnel ahead isn't just painted on.