Realized it was time to seek help for my Twitter addiction after I opened a carton of eggs and said “Oh look, 12 new followers!”
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I thought we agreed on rhyming wedding vows Brenda I looked like an amateur out there
At what age do you tell your kids that the UN isn’t real
When my kids requested a song in the car, I jokingly said, “Sure OR… stay with me, Mommy could sing it for you!”
I may never emotionally recover from their critique 😭
I think my favorite sammich is ice cream
Captain Hook hated Paper Scissors Rock since he could only play Question Mark, which had no value in the game.
My kids got like 20 pounds of candy and that is so unhealthy so obviously I have to eat it all for their own good
Oh, you like Five Guys hamburgers more than In-N-Out?
*unfollows
*blocks
*stews
*hires assassin on Craigslist
*unblocks to monitor situation
Don’t let anyone talk you into dropping a grudge. I quit carrying mine around and I’m pretty sure that’s when my arms got flabby.
Why is your kid mad at you today? Mine is mad because I didn’t take him to a restaurant that shut done before he was born.
You would think with the whole “what doesn’t kill you makes you stronger” that there would be more body builders walking around.
Husband: I almost ate an entire pan of Rice Krispies treats.
Me: Almost? Quitter.
So funny how “go to sleep” and “do parkour” sound exactly the same to kids.
Throwing away any pizza crust is bad enough, but my son’s friend threw away a stuffed crust and he is no longer welcome in this house.
*spider falls on my desk*
*pulls fire alarm*
*stands in hallway & points firefighters toward my desk*
[getting murdered]
I hope this makes it on true crime TV.
I bought one of those bodybuilding spray tan machines so I look like mahogany furniture year round
If white guys are day drinking, it’s inevitable that they’re going to start wrestling at some point later that night.
Wife: [on phone] I just got home where are you guys?
Me: the hospital.
Wife: what happened?
Me: our son swallowed a watermelon seed.
Wife: so? it’s not like it’s gonna grow a watermelon in his tummy lol.
Me:
Wife:
Me: we’ll be home in 10 minutes.
Goth karate is easy because you already start off with a black belt.
I literally have no idea what my friends had for lunch today.
It’s a proud parenting moment seeing your kid throw away their own trash. You may also solve the mystery of the missing silverware.
A telemarketer called and said,”can I speak with the man of the house.” I replied, “sure” and gave the phone to the cat.
That moment of panic when you realize you haven’t checked on your Farmville in like 6 years
A clean house is the true sign of a broken WIFI.
Holiday anxiety is the most festive of all the anxieties.
one thing you forget about star wars is how much of the original trilogy is just darth vader flying in some place to chew some guy out about construction delays
*picks up phone
*puts phone down
*picks up phone
*puts phone down
*picks up phone
*puts phone down
*picks up phone
*puts phone down
*picks up phone
*puts phone down
*picks up phone
*puts phone down~me, doing cardio
i haven’t seen a “turn $50 into $5000” post in a minute, y’all in jail now?
[repeatedly mashing elevator button]
him: you know that doesn’t make it come any quicker
[starts licking elevator button]
Goal as a white guy
1)Pay taxes
2)Never say anything that may come across as racist
3)Find something clever to do with my arms when I dance.