Realized it was time to seek help for my Twitter addiction after I opened a carton of eggs and said “Oh look, 12 new followers!”
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If two women are fighting, put them in the bathroom. Women get along very well in bathrooms
The huge spider I bravely killed for my wife turned out to be a piece of thread. I’m not telling her.
First date idea.
Pick your favorite pizza place, and send one to my house.
That fish is too small and that fish is too big but that fish is justtttt right
-Goldilocks on Tinder
Forget the fire jugglers and sword swallowers, the most hazardous job at a carnival is guessing the age and weight of women.
Stop destroying the earth. This is where I keep all my stuff.
“Don’t bite the hand that feeds you” maybe just don’t bite hands. Shouldn’t have to qualify it
Hold the door for your girlfriend. Listen to the door. Tell the door everything will be okay. Leave your girlfriend for the door.
The cancelled marathon runners should seriously run through the boroughs with supplies. I said it earlier as a joke, now I say it for real.
gorilla glue and jurassic park are trending, this might be how godzilla vs kong starts
Hour 43 no smoking:
-No one is dead.
-Colors are more vivid.
-Country music makes sense.
-I’d suck a fart if it contained nicotine.
“911 what’s your emergency?” MY WIFE IS BEATING MY KIDS! “Okay. I’ll send the police” *hangs up. OH CRAP I FORGOT TO SAY “AT MARIOKART”
My password is “weak?” Well your password recovery security question is soft as shit. The city I was born in? Ask me why my mom left my dad.
“I’M A DOG!”
“I’M A DOG TOO!”
“WE’RE DOGS!”
– dogs
Whoever invented crustless pot pie clearly didn’t know why people eat pot pie.
I want to be a lighthouse keeper who doesn’t go mad but instead maintains a healthy balance between making sure the light stays lit and my friends and family understand they come first unless I have to change the lightbulb.
Everyone has a flat stomach. The L is just silent for some.
My boyfriend thinks I ask “dumb questions” like “would you love me if I were a worm” and then turns around and asks me shit like do I think it would be funny if he started doing Patrick Bateman’s care routine as a bit
“If the landlord asks, you’re a Chihuahua.”
Janice, from HR: Ok, so we’re clear. From now on no biting, right?
Me: Yeah, whatever. *adds “influenced policy” to my resume*
You can’t buy an umbrella. You can only inherit or steal one.
Me: ‘I just want to do something spontaneous.’
Combustion: ‘We’ll see.’
Spent the day dressed as a bee, gently bumping myself against my neighbor’s sliding-glass door. Got the hose twice.
[trying to remove items separately from the washing machine]
laundry: you will not divide us we are one entity now FEAR US
Southerners don’t use contractions like “y’all” and “young’n” out of laziness. Most of us are just too poor to afford entire words.
Save money this Halloween by utilizing last years’ hobo costume to dress up as this year’s federal employee.
I hope you don’t feel as bloated as you look.
Annnd that’s how the fight started.
“I’m on my way!”
-Someone who won’t be leaving for at least 20 minutes
Coworker: Guess what I’m doing this weekend.
Me: No