How many zombies would Rob Zombie rob if Rob Zombie could rob zombies?
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Guarantees in life:
1) death
2) taxes
3) me pulling the handle of your car door at the same moment you try to unlock it
my husband, who did not grow up with dogs, just came to me very worried because the dog is not eating her food, but is begging for his, so “something must be wrong with her food, she’s clearly hungry but only wants mine”
Buying a scrub brush on a stick for your back because you need something to remind you that you are single, even in the shower.
Tween: Mom, can you take me to the mall to go to Abercrombie?
Me: Awe, I used to shop there when I was your age.
Tween: Nevermind.
If my name was Dave I’d text my friends today saying “IT’S FRIDAVE! LET’S PARTY!”. They’d be sick of me by Tuesdave.
[first date]
Him: Let’s take the stairs!
Me: I think we should see other people.
I can’t believe this dog and a whole family just died because of a forgotten comma
*RSVP’ing to Christmas party*
Whispering into phone: is it ok if I bring my weird roommate?
Husband, from behind me: STOP CALLING ME THAT
*jesus rubs his temples before giving a sermon*
anyone else feel like choking that seagull over there?
When I count my blessings, I count you twice, subtract 4, multiply by 8, and divide by 15 because I don’t know how math or blessings work.
snack time! which shapeless, wiggly treat would you rather?
We just walked into a Target and my wife said we don’t need a buggy and I don’t know what I’m supposed to do in here without a buggy to push.
Professor X: Being literal is not a superpower
Guy: But-
Wolverine: Look man, just take the L and leave
Guy: *Drives away*
Woverine: Oh no you didnt!
59 days until Christmas. I better start untangling the lights.
You never know how strong you are until someone’s story runs more than 5 minutes long
While doing her history homework, my daughter asked me what I knew about Galileo.
I said, he’s just a poor boy from a poor family.
Tried a new approach to filing taxes this year.
“My parents are supporting my blue check for the first few years of marriage but then gonna start paying myself.”
If I’m ever forced to go on silent retreat imma wear windbreakers and wet flipflops…If I have to suffer then so do you…Squeak squeak woosh woosh mf’ers
Boss: I need that report by noon
Me: Consider it done[2pm]
Boss: Where’s that report?
Me: Huh? I thought we’d agreed to consider it done?
(When I hear a news report of someone getting run over while walking their dog) IS THE DOG OKAY JUST TELL ME THE DOG IS OKAY
My insurance guys slogan is I’m Zach and I’ve got your back… good thing his name wasn’t Rick
“You there, yes you, what year is it? Is Kanye West still president?”
Beer doesn’t have many vitamins that’s why you need to drink lots of it
I wasted so many years trying to fit in, covering my accent, starving myself, straightening my hair, and trying to make others like me. The moment i realized that wasn’t freedom and said NO MORE, my entire life changed!! We are always enough as we are❤️
My “Game of Thrones” is just me running around the mall looking for a clean toilet.
6 yo: I’m getting bigger, this house won’t fit me much longer.
Who called it your monthly period and not egg drop soup?
Husband: Did your friend Kathy have her baby boy?
Me: She had a girl.
H: Oh.
Me: Yeah, she’s 5 now.