Genie: “You have 3 wishes.”
Ian: “I wish for everyone to be equal.”
Genie: “Okay. You have no wishes.”
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happy mother’s day❤️
NO
ONE’S
IN..
COURT LIKE GASTON
LEAKS REPORTS LIKE GASTON
WRITES IN PRESS AS “ANONYMOUS SOURCE” LIKE GASTON
English Language: ‘I before E, except after C’.
Keith: That’s not true.
English Language: Don’t make it weird.
Keith: But you just..
English Language: Wow ur feisty this morning, someone hasn’t had their caffeine lol
wife: “this is really your idea of an anniversary present?”
me: [on the other walkie talkie] “you didn’t say over, over”
PSYCHIC: I can feel a spirit in this house.
ME: Is it saying anything?
PSYCHIC: Yes, your car warranty is about to expire…
Good thing he found a cart, because that looks really heavy.
your childhood ends the moment you learn it’s not called “duck tape”
“ew what is that?” is my child’s adorable way of asking what’s for dinner
Well, at least my kids are finding new and exciting ways to make my two college degrees meaningless.
An unexpected perk of having pets is when the cat throws up on the couch; the dog jumps in to handle the cleanup.
Me: what will you trade me for my Soul
Devil: dude I am NOT buying your KIA
Am I the only one who was a kid in the 80’s that thought I would have more life challenges dealing with quicksand and lava?
I was up way earlier than normal and I couldn’t find my cat. I walked around the neighborhood and found him being fed by a lady a few houses down. She had a different name for him and everything. He’s been living a double life. I feel so betrayed.
[first time in a bed]
me: this blanket is really heavy
salesman: you’re supposed to lay on top of the mattress
the amazon drone struggles to stay in the air & nearly takes out a police helicopter as it makes its way to my house carrying 45 pounds of mustard
Pharrell Williams put out a fire on Kim Kardashian’s dress this week. Dude is really taking that Smokey the Bear hat of his to heart.
Don’t give a women flower, she may have hay fever.
Don’t give her chocolate, she may be on a diet!
Give her wifi so there’s no excuse.
A spider just tried to crawl across my hand and now how do you extract a fork from bone without causing more damage?
Sell your car
Falling asleep at work didn’t get me in trouble. Falling asleep at work and snoring got me in trouble.
Watching horror movies has convinced me that answering a phone never ends well for anyone.
When are we gonna admit that those tools we keep by the fireplace are just for killing people?
Them: are you sad because you eat or do you eat because you’re sad?
Me: *takes long, slow drag of egg roll* look kid…
If the band Toto, drummer Tommy Lee & singer Marvin Gaye ever got together and made an album…
…I’m pretty it would be Toto Lee Gaye.
No longer performing, members of Dire Straits are now advising other bands.
They are consultants
They are consultants
They are con-sul-tants of swing
One way to handle social anxiety is to pretend you are a ghost & people are staring at you because they have a gift they never asked for
Finally!
Just saw someone holding a sign that said “Honk 2 impeach Obama”
You’d think the process to impeach a president would be more complicated
i dont have time for this
Lake Superior was named the second most scenic lake in the world, beaten only by Lake Superiorer.