*Really attractive person waves at me in their car*-*I wave back enthusiastically*-*realizes they were just putting their visor down*
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Over all these years, you’d think I’d remember how important the “L” in clock is…especially when asking mom if I can borrow dad’s.
I don’t do drugs. I take drugs. My brain does the drugs. Follow me? Me either -because drugs
“This tofu tastes like chicken.”
No one believes you dude.
Two hard boiled eggs I left on the table before going to wash hands?
Air conditioners are just human refrigerators
Whenever I see a newspaper on a driveway, left out in the rain, I figure that house just forgot how to read.
Lance isn’t a common name now, but in Medieval times guys were named Lance a lot.
Before you get on the elliptical next to me, just know that I’m an ugly crier.
my cat frankie loves this weird ugly chair that came with my apartment. it’s gotta be one of his top 3 favorite spots to chill or sleep and probably like every third time i walk in and find him there i go “chairman of the board over here” but he never laughs
“Damn you, Autocorrect!!!!” – Mark Zuckerberg, who had intended to announce that he was giving away 99% of his socks
What’s sadder, the end of “Titanic” or my son’s face when I ask him to explain Bitcoin again?
What if those pandas mated naturally for the first time because they’re turned on by mounting human death tolls
I is smart
I is kind
I is important
I is in the wrong office– I thought to myself after having wine for lunch
Mad Max Arctic Road
I have 11 pictures of myself from high school. My daughter has 11 pictures of herself from this morning.
Brings a particularly tough steak to a knife fight.
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Wife: Let me do the talking
Cop: No, I’ll do the talking
Me: Why is your wife even with you
Cop: There you go, I said this would happen
My super power is not uttering a word and yet still saying the wrong thing.
Pay your exorcist or you may get repossessed.
Wanna see awkward?
Hand me a baby.
They only arrested Justin Bieber cause he’s black.
People say I’m not very responsible, when in fact I’m responsible for “pajama casual” being added to the employee handbook as inappropriate.
[diner]
ME: I’ll have the eggs, please
WAITER: how would you like those?
ME: painted and hidden for me to find, thank you.
Not saying I found that jet, but is there a reward?
The Cranberries put a zombie in your head and you just let them.
The loudness of the sound made by setting a plate in the sink is directly proportional to the number of sleeping people you are trying not to wake.
TIP: if ur worried about the airworthiness of the plane you’re on offer it a chip. If it eats it you’re on a seagull. Disembark immediately
There was a slight misunderstanding, and my kids are out in the yard looking for rabbits, but whatever keeps them busy
ad for letuce:
do u- hey do u ever wish u coud eat water
Wife : don’t forget to pick up the kids at the school
Me : why