@Ah_kee_oh: No I don't hate my boss. It's just that I wish his toilet paper was sand paper.

@WilliamAder: Whenever someone tells me they have an IQ of 140, I wonder if that's Fahrenheit or centigrade.

@Tommytoughstuff: [Arguing with a guy over who's tougher] *takes toothpick from mouth* "When I started chewing this it was a full grown spruce."

@novicefather: Shoutout to that one time I confused narcolepsy and necrophilia during a job interview.

@ewws13: Say what you will about women but I think being able to turn one sentence into a six hour argument takes talent.