[really awkward birthday party]
FIRST EVER PERSON TO SING HAPPY BIRTHDAY: [takes deep breath]
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Me: this meeting could’ve been an email.
Also me: (gets an email) Goddammit.
Paul McCartney wrote ‘Yesterday’
But he also wrote ‘Obla-de-obla-da’ and ‘Ebony and Ivory’
So, don’t worry if some of your tweets are shit
Me: *taking a pee*
Urologist: put that back
where there’s a-weem there’s a-weh
“Is that a banana in your pocket or…a dead banana?” -Schrödinger
When they said “it takes a village” I thought they were referring to raising a child not keeping up with laundry.
Me: What’s your favourite book?
Her: Well, I love 1984
Me: Ok, but just choose one.
My daughter just found the dog leash and collar
Which would be less awkward to explain if we actually had a dog
My husband and I like to do sweet things for one another. He might switch out my agave for antifreeze. I might cut his brake lines.
Bill Withers: Ain’t no sunshine when she’s gone.
Twitter: *There is no
me to the dentist: can u make my teeth more how u say al dente
Oh you love your mom? Name three of her albums
Get off your high horse. Seriously, it’s not safe to ride any animal that’s stoned.
One side of our sink has a garbage disposal. The other side is where my daughter just dumped a full bowl of cereal.
Women are like passwords. You enter your digits incorrectly a few times and they’ll lock you out.
Harry Potter is realistic because it normally takes a kid 10 years to tell a story.
*stirs coffee with knife*
*licks knife*
“Let’s do this”
*wakes kids for school*
You: Alexa, should I worry about being spied on by balloons?
Alexa: Yes, it’s definitely the balloons.
The best thing about owning a Smart Car is if you get too drunk at the bar you can just carry it home.
Dating in your 50’s is great!
Although my husband’s not that keen, tbh
Car just drove through the front of my house, because he forgot his corrective lenses. It was a bad case of contactless delivery.
Always keep your head up and stand proud! That way your double chin won’t show in your pictures.
[shooting a bow & arrow in the library] i’m allowed to do this because it’s quiet
You have this moment of realization that you have zero survival skills. If you’re like me, you do nothing with this information.
Me: That guy is a bad apple.
6-year-old: He’s a person.
Me: I just meant he’s mean.
6: Probably because you called him an apple.
I refuse to participate in scavenger hunts because it’s still murder to shoot people even if they were digging in dumpsters.
I just got ripped to shreds by an extremely old man. I got on the elevator from the basement of my building and he got on too. I said “going up?” And he said “certainly. Can’t go down from here” old man I was trying to be polite why you gotta clown me like that
[inventing mint choc-chip]
me: “people love ice cream right?”
boss: “yes they do”
me: “people love chocolate chips?”
boss: “i hear ya”
me: “know what else people love?”
boss: “hit me”
me: “brushing their teeth”
I guess “Victoria’s Secret Angel” does sound better than “flightless pantybird”
Sure, Billy Joel can make love to his tonic and gin but when I do it, I get a PH imbalance and a lifetime ban from my favourite bar.