Really, every section of the greeting card aisle could be called “Societal Obligation.”
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Wish I was as brave as my kid who just ate zero bites of her dinner and then asked for a snack 6 minutes after the table was clear.
Interpretive dance is the best way to answer stupid questions.
My phone just changed, ‘calendar’ to ‘cake radar’ and now I really wish I had that.
Gonna shake things up and start signing emails off with, “In loving memory of, Me”
Archaeologist: These drawings – could the horn shapes on top of their heads actually be antennas? Are we seeing depictions of aliens?
A zillion years ago: Here kids take this charcoal and go draw on the rocks.
3yo: Ima draw daddy when he gets up in the morning. 𝘨𝘪𝘨𝘨𝘭𝘦
A relationship so stable you can buy concert tickets 4 months in advance >>
STEP 1: Sign up for email newsletter
STEP 2: Receive email newsletter
STEP 3: Delete unread email newsletter for the rest of your life
I’m going to go to a carpet store and act like “Crystal Mauve” is a color that everybody knows.
[learning to ride a motorcycle]
INSTRUCTOR: Again I need to ask whoever it is making the “vroom vroom” sounds with their mouth to knock it off.
My obsession with building townhouses is going to give me a complex one of these days.
[On couch, notices it’s 6pm]
Luckily I don’t have to pick up the kids from the Christmas party until 8.
*Notices it’s February*
OH SHIT
A waffle is just a more considerate pancake. It’s like, here, let me hold that syrup for you in these convenient boxes.
The ultimate power move is signing emails “kind regards” because it implies there are kinder regards but they didn’t deserve them
me: Baby shark doo doo doo doo doo doo baby shark doo doo doo doo doo baby shark! Mommy shark doo doo-
Other people on life raft: please stop
I just spent more time trying to get a stuck Junior Mint out of the box than I did studying for some exams in school.
When I said “anything for you”, I meant I’ll make you a nice cup of tea, not that I’ll help you to fake your own death as part of a massive life insurance fraud.
me (under my breath): don’t let her know how awkward you are
date: what are you having
me: an ok time
Wife: Can you put the gps on mute, turn off the air conditioner and the music
Also my wife: why are you grumpy on this long drive
My five-year-old daughters noisily broke into my office during class. I tried to scoop them out on my own but failed. Went to the door to call for help and THEY LOCKED THE DOOR BEHIND ME and had a five-minute conversation with my students while I rambled on about “consequences.”
*Backstreet Boys voice*
Am I acceptable?
If you’re dying, and have recently lost your car keys, take the opportunity, as your life flashes before your eyes, to try to spot them!
I like my women how I like my government: open and unprotected.
Guys; if she stops responding to your messages for days, 100% of the time it’s a technical problem. Keep trying.
Calling out sick from work and then showing up anyway to establish dominance and confuse my enemies.
Don’t interrupt me while I’m embarrassing myself
OMG, I can’t believe all the people who are out despite the stay at home orders.
…Says the person who’s out despite the stay at home orders.
I’m a mom of 2 boys. My hobbies include always wondering where that smell is coming from and if it’s safe to pick up that towel or sock on the floor.
[HS reunion]
FRIEND: Heard from Billy Adent? He vanished after grade school. Do you know if he moved?
ME: [flashback to not unfreezing him during freeze tag because he said I smelled like milk] HE BETTER NOT HAVE!
A man was hospitalized with 6 plastic horses up his bum. Doctors described his condition as “stable”. #manicmonday
If any Disney execs are reading this, call me. I’ve got an idea for another Star Wars spin off. It’s called Paul Darth, Maul Cop.