Officer: do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: pass
Officer: have you been drinking?
Me: pass
Officer: You can’t just keep..
Me: pass
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Not many quicksand-related deaths since the 1970s.
Thank god the authorities got that nightmare under control.
I ironed my dress this morning while I was wearing it. So, yes Mensa, I will join your club.
If you let an idiot convince you that he’s the smartest man in the world…
Maybe he’s not the only idiot.
The kids wanted the Zero Gravity Laser Racer, a toy car that follows a laser.
I handed them a flashlight and pointed at the cat.
Scientists recently discovered T-Rex hunted in packs, confirming once again that we should all send that asteroid a thank you card.
I’d expect Captain America to be fatter.
I am AWFUL at picking up if a woman is into me.
Even if one said, “I want to do you.” I’d respond, “What do you mean? Like an impression?”
what idiot called it a best man instead of a lord of the rings
My younger daughter has been in her bedroom looking at screens the last three years and I have forgotten her first name.
Having a dark sense of humor is great, until you make a joke in front the wrong crowd and get looked at like you just killed their cat.
Wife: He’s just so literal all of the time, he gets so confused
Psychiatrist: Is this true?
Me: [worried] Are u really gonna make me shrink?
I dunno…maybe the Mars Rover can find all the spoons and bowls in my kids bedroom.
To those of you who still feel like you’re superior, remember this; after this pandemic is over we will all have the skill level of a toddler when it comes to dressing ourselves.
without fail i always get felt up by the tsa which is fine because air travel is expensive and i want my money鈥檚 worth
鈥淵ou’re not so tough now, are you, Batman?”
~ Drunk guy who punched a nun.
who is Godzilla’s least favorite relative? his MOTHRA-IN-LAW
Your table is ready. Samantha will show you to your table by speed walking through our busy dining room. we will lose some of you in the process.
Not to brag but I just filled up the gas tank and doubled the value of my car
[2 cavemen]
Look what me discover! This game changer!
*grabs it* “This hot! Burn fingers. What you call it?”
*takes back mixtape* FIRE!
Not today.. 馃槀
Just seductively flipped my hair to the side and a partially eaten chocolate Santa fell out.
Saw your ex at the shops
cop: if i were you i wouldn鈥檛 leave town
me: but if you were, what bus would you take
I am pretty impressed with the woman that created the algorithm to take the first photo of a black hole. Especially because it took me four tries to correctly spell the word “algorithm.”
[Me being beaten to death w/ can of frozen veggies]
“Oh peas no!”
[WHAP]
“Why u bean like this?”
[SMACK]
“Don’t u carrot all?”
[CRACK]
Thursday Thought.
I’m not superstitious, I’m just a bit stitious.
Me: {after awkwardly long silence} So you come here often?
Waitress: Yes I work here can you please just order.
The best part of being pregnant is blaming my eating choices on the baby.
Jello at 3 am? Baby was hungry.
Cheesecake for breakfast? Baby wanted it.
The blood of my enemies under a full moon? Baby demanded a sacrifice.
Pancakes for dinner? Baby likes breakfast food.