Really glad that ventriloquism has made fisting mainstream.
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Why is it so dry under the lawn chairs? Cause the lawn canopy
They say dress for the job you want, so here I am, causally dressed as the moon
No one has stolen my lunch at work since I started labeling it “Stool Sample.”
me: what’s our criminology class on?
friend: cannibalism
me: [gasping] a hannibal lecture
I’m offended that horses don’t put their hooves over their hearts during the National Anthem when they win a gold in equestrian events.
if u wanna date me all u gotta do is ask and i’ll say no
In High School I was pretty popular with all the boys.
I was known as “Hey, will you ask your friend if she likes me?”
My boss is getting the whole team a license to kill, hoping that we’ll Bond.
COP: Know why I stopped you?
“Drag racing?”
COP: Nope.
“Speeding?”
COP: Definitely not.
“Cuz I’m on a unicycle?”
COP: That’s the one.
Them: how does 9am sound?
Me: sounds like you’re dead to me
Most computer problems stem from the lack of a fatherboard.
No? Ok, I’ll show myself out.
Took my mom to a steakhouse for dinner and she ordered the salmon. And I just feel like this is a metaphor for our entire relationship.
why are you as a non alcoholic cocktail priced in the double digits
“Did you get a haircut?”
“No, I dyed the tips of my hair invisible…”
My new monthly budget
Gas $0
Clothes $0
Entertainment $0
Food $1500
Alcohol $1000
Por…. uhhh entertainment $500
It’s 4:20 do you know what that means?!?
It means only 40 minutes left to get 8 hours of work done.
On Amazon looking for a cat water fountain and 😂😂😂
i mainly don’t bother with botox or other injections because why pay a crapton of money to make me look like a slightly more rested version of my actual age when alcohol is cheap and makes me think i still have game
Funny you should ask, I do have extra body bags.
Them: *typing professionally on their computer*
Me: *pretending I’m Beethoven, while typing supercalifragilisticexpialidocious*
[first date]
Date: well I had a great time tonight.
Me: me too.
Date: give me a ring sometime.
Me: [pulls out engagement ring I brought just in case we clicked] this was my grandmothers-
My pre-nup will indicate that I’m allowed to unplug your life support system should my phone need charging.
Care for your back
My self help-seminar, “Stop Blaming Others” canceled due to my incompetent staff.
Earth was the first world I created. It has all kinds of problems. #firstworldproblems
My wife is mad at me because I gave up looking for one particular black sock in a basket full of socks and after having pulled 7 different black socks out I quit.
Should I be annoyed or smug that I continually show up in the LinkedIn recruiter search of the company that laid me off
*walks in house wearing a large neck brace*
oh no, what happened?
“my earbud cord got caught on a chair while I was walking”
If our children don’t learn cursive, how will they ever be able to read those inspirational tattoos people put on their ribs?
if u told me 20yrs ago that we’d have a black prez w/ the middle name Hussein, I’d have kept playing w/ my ninja turtles cuz I was 9 in 1993