Really Google Autocomplete? You honestly think I want to search for “hardcore poem”?
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Bad is when you finish the dishes then see a few more things to wash. Worse is when your wife is there so you can’t say you didn’t see them.
Do NOT look under a teenage boy’s bed, & never, EVER ask him why he & his friends are laughing.
– two things I’ve learned the hard way
Me recordaron éste meme
me: you know what’s not cool?
13: *yelling from another room* YOU!
Did you know?
Salmon swim upstream through intense water rapids to mate, lay eggs, then die. They leave their young to fend for themselves.
[Looks at my kids fighting over a piece of lint]
I think salmon have the right idea.
Don’t mind me, I’m just a mom sitting in the dark eating a tub of ice cream because I spent the entire weekend doing laundry and then my kids changed clothes
And now we wait
Husband: How painful is childbirth?
Me: Imagine going to Hobby Lobby with me.
H: Okay?
Me: Then Home Goods.
H: Alright.
Me: Then Bed, Bath & Beyond, then Kohl’s, then Michaels, then JC Penney’s, then –
H: *in fetal position*
Being fat is when you watch Jurassic Park and wonder if dinosaur tastes good.
😏😏😏
If he has other girls who make him smile, be different and make him cry.
[checking my phone]
“i hope this email finds you being mauled” ha ha what in the heck
[suddenly a bear is in my kitchen]
[first date]
Her: I like my steak rare
Him: *trying to impress* I’ll order for both of us. 2 panda fillets please.
Apple is releasing new product information today.
That explains why yesterday my husband said that his watch isn’t staying charged anymore.
There comes a point in every parent’s life when they notice the soap and shampoo they bought for their kids isn’t getting used up nearly as quickly as it should be.
Maybe i’m not naked, maybe my pants are just invisible?
retweet this to electronically sign my petition to ban windmills worldwide . we’ve had enough bird casualties . and for what ?more wind ?
when your friend and their shitty ex get back together and you’re just waiting for things to go bad…
“Wait, let me explain..”
Child: Hey tomorrow are we still go-
Me: Canceled.
Child: What about-
Me: Postponed.
Child: Well can we-
Me: It’s closed to the public for the rest of the month.
Child:
Me:
Child: This is gonna be a loooong couple of weeks for you.
Toddlers be like, “excuse me madam that’s my emotional support Walmart receipt.
Not enough drugs in the world that would make me strip in front of a webcam. But a bottle of wine should do it.
Receptionist: the doctor can see you now
invisible man who’s also blind: who said that
receptionist: who said that
rooster: sorry totally overslept lol you weren’t late for anything important were you
fourth wiseman:
[on first date]
Yes I’ll have the-
*whispers to waiter*
I don’t speak French
*points at menu*
“The French toast, sir?”
Yeah. 6 of those.
Finally got the “Josh Duggar is good” neck tattoo I’ve wanted for years, now let me just read today’s news as I take a large sip of water…
Apparently “ew no” is not an acceptable way to tell my boss I don’t want more responsibility at work.
One time I was talking to a really cute med student, we were flirting and laughing and it all looked promising. Then I sat down on a chair and it collapsed under me and shattered.
Anyway that was 26 years ago and I haven’t sat down since.
Can you believe some cultures still communicate with clicky noises or primitive hieroglyphs?
*clicks keyboard furiously*
*adds 17 emojis*