Really Google Autocomplete? You honestly think I want to search for “hardcore poem”?
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me: we should get some flowers for our new apartment
gf: orchids
me: whoa we should get married first
I bet there are muppets that have thought about shanking Elmo.
The kids were being so annoying at bedtime last night, I threatened to take them back in time and put them to bed early.
U once broke ur toe? I once broke my foot. U had a baby? I had 2 babies. U have a bad back? I have a bad front. I can do this all day, btw.
Tinder: Meet people within a few miles
Twitter: Meet people within a few thousand miles
everyone is motivated by something different. for some folks it’s money, for others it’s a paycheck. some people are even motivated by cash hitting their bank account. others do it for the love of getting paid.
Who else read this as a threatening Yoda?
Senility is the pits. Spent an hour driving around the mall parking lot looking for my car.
One of the reasons I had to retire early is because I ran out family members that died excuses for not coming in to work.
If you tell me having a dog is the same as having a kid then I’m going to assume you yell at your dog to keep his pants on at Wal-Mart.
Exec 1: So, you wait in long lines. No shade. Crying kids. Drinks cost $7.00.
Exec 2: Nice. What do we call it?
E1: Lol, “amusement park.”
*CVS lady hands me receipt
Me: we talk about these on twitter
CVS lady: why
Me: they’re long
CVS lady: is that what twitter’s for
Me: mostly
Marriage tip: Never lie to your spouse but remember, the word “maybe” is your friend.
[11am]
Me: oh look, it’s sunny out.
Me: I should go running.
Me: or swimming!
Me: these Doritos are delicious.
[court]
LAWYER: Did u kill him?
ME: No
L: You know what the punishment is for committing perjury?
ME [lips on the mic] Much less than murder
An easy way to know if your house is haunted is to bake a cake that says “for ghost” and see if anything takes it
[PetSmart]
Why pay $30 for a bird when I can pay $10 & grow like 1000 of them?
*throws bag of bird seed in cart*
I’m such a smart shopper.
[undercover FBI agent who’s had me under surveillance for weeks decides to blow his cover] do you ever stop eating?
Me: *sends myself a reminder text about an appointment*
Phone: *ding*
Me: Ooh, who’s texting me?
I hate spitting so much. In “Titanic” when Jack and Rose spit at the sea, I was done. They got what they deserved. The sea did what it had to do.
In the beginning, people laughed at my penguin army. No one’s laughing now. I’m receiving treatment and everyone’s been really supportive.
Mark Zuckerberg I know you are a new parent but it’s way more fun to tell children you are giving away their inheritance when they are teens
First rule of Botox club:
Nobody look surprised when someone new joins.
Me: You better not be making a mess in that kitchen I just cleaned
My kids:
Wife (to our teen): Can you unload the dishwasher?
Teen: See, this is why I don’t come down here
Tequila be like “I know a spot” then take you here
It’s six. Six raccoons. Six raccoons is the amount of raccoons that will make me turn around and walk down a different street. Six.
Just watched my husband flick a stink bug from the ottoman and I am not okay.
How many bugs have just been relocated and not removed?!?
A guy in my class stopped me today as I was walking out and said “I gotta show you this girl she’s your literal twin” and then showed me my own Instagram
90% of my vocabulary is comprised of words I’m hoping you don’t realize I made up.