me: hey i noticed you always sit alone wanna find a seat together?
bus driver: can’t but thanks
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* shows up with flowers
Wife: Are we going to the hospital?
SHAKESPEARE: Shall I compare thee to a summer’s day?
HIM: Sure.
SHAKESPEARE: Oh, wow, didn’t… didn’t think you’d say yes. I actually don’t have anything prepared.
HIM:
SHAKESPEARE:
HIM:
SHAKESPEARE: ur both hot.
Not to brag but both my kids are from the same dad
[wife looking at pictures of my dead body with police]
“why isn’t he wearing a shirt”
we believe he removed it when he challenged the coyote
Kids going as Batman for Halloween should not be accompanied by parents unless those parents are dressed as ghosts
romantic comedies are like “he didn’t realize he had feelings for his best friend until she took off her glasses”
I bet they all call me paranoid behind my back?!
Seems I can never find good brussels sprouts at the store, so I decided to grow them myself. Turns out I don’t like brussels sprouts.
my only concern about UFOs is if they’re staying they should be paying their fair share in taxes.
[noir detective voice] I knew she was a ghost the second she walked through my door
coworkers whispering: why does he wash it if he’s gonna peel it?
me leaving the break room with a wet banana: morning guys
I still can’t believe someone stole my neighbours wind chimes tomorrow morning
Religion has been soaked in blood like the Parle-G biscuit that breaks off and settles at the bottom of your cup.
[Walking around the office]
*Sees nosepicker*
*Hears burper*
*Smells gas*Boss: What are you doing?
Calculating the…”Gross Margin.”
*returns shopping cart*
“When I’m in Heaven I wonder if God will seat me to His right or His left?”
Disney can’t even make a dragon without it looking exactly like Elsa
*mob meeting*
ayo new guy—who’re you?“they call me the butcher”
oh yea? why’s that, butch?
*smacks him with a pork loin* “no reason”
“I really should buckle down and get my rap album going”
-Me, every time I drink
My friend keeps saying, “cheer up man it could be worse, you could be stuck underground in a hole full of water.”
I know he means well.
imagine being a tree. just imagine it. imagine the good times (wind gently blowing your leaves); imagine the tough times (wind roughly blowing your leaves). imagine the ok, so-so times (there’s no wind)
“There are way too many people in there.”
~my 7yo’s review of Where’s Waldo
(getting into a hot tub full of people) i guess we’re making some people soup huh gang
[Grim Reaper arrives at my door]
ME: oh no, is it my time?!
GR: Oh no, I’m just coming for that last tweet you posted. That thing’s been dying for hours…
For someone who said “Correct me if I’m wrong…” you seemed genuinely surprised and upset when I did.
M: YOU’RE USING MY $150 BLOW-DRYER TO UNFREEZE PIPES?!
H: Your WHAT blow-dryer?!
M: Never mind, carry on.
friend: i have no idea how some people have 3 kids
me: they have sex 3 times
13: I found a baggie of pot.
M: *takes it* Thank you, bringing it to an adult was the right thing to do. Now go outside and play for 3 hrs.
Boss: Are you high?
Me: If I was high could I do this?
B: What? You aren’t doing anything
M: sorry I’m super high. What was the question?
I heard someone say they were happy just to be upright and I thought that was weird because lying down is amazing.
barista: room for cream?
me: oh you must be new *puts hand on his shoulder* that’s called a refrigerator