Really, IKEA? No free WiFi? Or do I have to buy one and assemble it?
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Whether it’s aliens or zombies, the importance of a head start cannot be overstated.
alien: these are your ancestors?? lmfaooo 💀😂😂
[shows me a video of a monkey jumpin around goin ooh ooh ah ah]
me: [getting really defensive] that was a long time ago. turn that off
In order for us to go on vacation we need to start by unpacking from our last vacation.
Mickey Mouse: Hey, so I’m seeing someone now.
Donald Duck: Me too.
Mickey: What’s she like?
Donald: Me. But with a bow.
Mickey: Sounds hot.
[Lady is being robbed]
“Help, Social Media Man!”
[Social Media Man swoops in & creates a facebook page called Mugging Is Bad]
i often counter someone’s dream story with my own very, extremely true story about how i sprained my ankle in the 7th grade while sprinting away in absolute fear from a girl who asked me my name
Him: Baby imma call you back, im in the middle of a shootout.
Her: Yea w.e, tell that bitch I said she can have you.
I got flipped off three times by the same woman during rush hour today. I’m never driving my wife to work again.
[pulls into taco bell drive thru]
Hi, I’d like enough tacos to forget 2016
figuring out my emotional availability:
Early morning work meeting, boss kept telling us to “lean in”
I leaned in so much, I fell asleep at my desk.
Daddy bear: my porridge is too hot.
Mummy bear: my porridge is too cold.
Baby bear: aren’t we supposed to eat fish?
The UPS person who always found Wile E. Coyote in the middle of the desert for same day deliveries is the real hero.
parents, bringing their problem child to summer camp
if you’re gonna break up with someone over dinner, make sure you do it after they order food but before it arrives so when they leave then you can finally be alone and you get two dinners
NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOoooooooooooooooooooooooo!!!
doctors will be like go get this and pharmacists will be like here u go
Guy pitching Stuart Little: So this family adopts a kid and the whole story is about the new kid learning what it is to have a family and be loved
Producer: That sounds beautiful
Guy: The new kid is also a rat
My 6yo is chanting all the words that rhyme with sucker and this is going to end badly in about 3 seconds
came out to my parents (!) and my dad was like, oh that’s nice! i thought you were going to ask for money!
[in the bedroom]
Her: *seductively reaches towards my hair*
Me: Babe…don’t touch the bandana
*flashlight under chin*
Me: And then the accountant told her how many more years she had to work until retirement.
*all the adults scream*
i bring a card table with me where I go for thanksgiving in case the host’s furniture is too heavy to flip
Her: I like dogs
Me: *dies in 10-13 years*
I saved my Q tip so I could ask my husband if my earwax looked normal when he woke up. This is marriage.
Boycott kissing men at midnight. It’s New Year’s Eve not New Years Steve.
[to hot girl at bus stop as bus approaches]
“I could easily afford to get on that if I wanted to.”