Really, iTunes? You need to update my calculator app? Have there been changes to basic math that I’m unaware of?
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You’re ugly for a reason: God is challenging you to get girls on hard mode. #motivationalmike
TV WRITER (MALE): How do we make the girl character hot hot cool make me hard?
OTHER WRITER (MALE): Make her know the names of all da carzzz!!
TVW: Should we give her other personality traits?
OTVW: No definitely not!
TVW: Should she BE a car?
OTVW: Whoa. Yes.
If I ever go to prison I will immediately go up to the biggest person and tickle them.
Had the old “waterboarding your coworkers for making your coffee get cold is not punishment fitting the crime” talk with HR today.
Again.
That split second of panic when you realize you said yes to your toddler but you were distracted and you don’t actually know what you said yes to
Save on air conditioning by letting ghosts infest your house.
[when it’s my turn to introduce myself to the group] Hi my name is Tim and I didn’t hear any of your names cause I was so nervous about my turn and I probably won’t hear the next three or so cause I’ll be thinking about the weird way I said “nervous,” glad to be on the team
Sometimes, when I look at an avi, I’m not sure if they’re trying to be sexy or if they’ve just been shot.
Cats spend two thirds of their lives sleeping, and the other third making viral videos.
Me: You guys wanna play house?
Them: Sure
Me, throwing the nearest kid on a gurney: We are gonna need a crash cart in here stat! WE ARE LOSING HIM! And you said you thought it was lupus.
Star Wars Episode 7? What’s next, Star Wars Episode 8???
GHOST (rattling cupboards): OOo oooOooOoo
*family screams*
SECOND GHOST (screwing and unscrewing a lightbulb): what the hell are we doing Frank. they’re good people
waiter: what’ll it be?
me: I’ll have chameleon
waiter: that’s not on the menu
me: how can you be sure?
some tweets get big favs but no RTs. why? [camera pans to dog in lab coat high up on a distant ledge. we’re too far away to hear his answer]
We just joined a gym and they asked me to pick a 4 digit member number and I opened my mouth and my husband said, “I stg if you use your bank pin.”
I was, in fact, going to use my bank pin💀
Material possessions mean nothing to me.
*breaks phone*
I don’t think I can make it through this week.
Famous people could rob banks wearing masks of themselves and they’d never get caught.
Me: Evil never sleeps
Daughter: STOP CALLING ME THAT
Focused so much on my cupboard making hobby, that I ended up pushing my friends and family away. Now I’m all alone, it’s just me, my shelf and I
My friend has canceled our lunch plans three days in a row. I’m starting to think she really doesn’t like lunch.
never leave a toddler alone in a room with your burritos
I will continue putting this peanut butter on the wrong side of each saltine until my demands are met.
cats: you just cleaned this box, i must use it
dogs: I can’t use a clean area, I must go where everyone has gone before me
Hate it when a grand piano falls on me and my head pops out of the wreckage and the keys are my teeth. The experience is simply not for me.
I spilt glue on my autobiography & then accidentally sat on it. Anyway, that’s my story & I’m sticking to it.
Bowser: Honey, the toilet’s clogged
Wife: Call someone to fix it
Bowser: *dialing number* Well this is gonna be awkward
Dipping your cats in blue paint and watching them chase each other is 1000x more entertaining than Avatar.
If you are thinking about leaving Twitter because so many of your old friends have already left, remember I’m still here. And that’s another good reason to leave
Ladies, if he:
-Disappears once a month
-Goes through phases
-Make you feel crazy
-Is drifting away
-Has a dark side
-Controls the tidesThat’s not your boyfriend. It’s the moon.
Donald Trump only wears a toupee to hide Lord Voldemort.