[Giraffe Weatherman]
“Yes Bob, we have a major blizzard happening up here but
*giraffe lowers head*
on the ground we’re still looking good.”
You Might Also Like
[Playing piano to impress a Russian girl]
“Do you like it?”
Her: That’s sheet music
“Yes, it is.”
Her: Now excuse me, I huv to take a sheet.
Tim Cook bravely announces he’s gay.
The world pats his hand like a kindly grandmother.
“We know, dear.”
I woke up this morning with my 4-year-old in my face, nose to nose, asking why people have skeletons.
Dogs have dandruff and cats have dandmeow. Hi, I’m single.
Dating Tips
1.
2.
3.
4.
5.Please. I am 36 and live with 2 guinea pigs.
The only way I would find gender reveal parties even remotely okay is if the guests had the option to boo when the gender is revealed
“All I ever wanted to do is make a difference.” – Subtraction Man
if you aren’t someone the church would’ve killed 400 years ago are you even living?
[baby sitting]
“Hey, yeah it’s me. No, everything’s fine. Just a quick question about his legs.”
“…”
“So how many legs did he have?”
Is your bathroom floor too dry? Try having kids™️
If you give your kid a roll of tape today then you should expect you’ll need to buy more tape tomorrow
Getting a text message from your ex is like getting a message from Satan on an Ouija board.
Him: How ’bout this rain?
Me: It makes my asshole itchy.
And that, my friends, is why you don’t talk to strangers on elevators.
toothpaste is a big scam. if ur tooth falls out, it stays out. toothpaste Will Not paste it back in.
The Godfather: keep your friends close, but your enemies closer
Mrs The Godfather: WHAT
I believe in workplace drug testing.
That’s why I slipped Ambien and Ex-Lax into my boss’ coffee.
Let’s test which one works faster.
I’m posting this because I’m honestly at a loss. I’ve been in this situationship for as long as I can remember & I need advice. There’s this guy & he’s honestly SO nice & he gets me whatever I want but he only visits once a year & only when I’m sleeping & then he just disappears.
I’m just curious if anyone has been through anything like this? Any advice? I don’t even have his number I just write him letters.
The surgeon who worked on my shoulder said it should feel better in a week to seven days, which makes me worry.
Microwaves are just clocks that also heat food.
7YO: Can you buy me a Ken so that Barbie can date him?
Me: Here just use this Captain America
4YO: (tearing into room) HE CAN’T DATE YOUR BARBIE HE’S BUSY GIVE HIM TO ME
My wife has already mentally eaten half my fries before I’ve even ordered.
The glasses you choose should say something about you. For instance, “I can’t see.”
I have days when wearing a hat is the only use I have made of my head.
here go my impression of dealing with any client in any capacity ever
CLIENT: how much do u charge?
YOU: its 1 dollar per glorf
CLIENT: oh thats very reasonable. ok i have 3 glorfs. so how much is that?
YOU: 3 dollars
CLIENT: WHY SO MUCH????
NOW I AM CALLING THE POLICE!!
Dad: *puts arm around my shoulder* Just remember son, if it doesn’t go well it’s always ok to just dust yourself off and try again until you get it right
*his eyes flicker to my younger brother for just a split second too long*
*spits out coffee* VERB IS A NOUN
The perfect #Easter meme doesn’t exi…..
remember when u found out the french word for seal was phoque and u were like this is the best day of my phoquing life
It’s saying something when you marry Charles Manson and you look like the crazy one.
I like how your profile picture is you at your wedding, so are you like a professional bride