My kid said if I don’t stop calling it ‘Instantgram’ that he won’t talk to me for the entire Summer. So I’m going to start saying ‘The Facebook’ as well, just to be sure.
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Lifeguard: SHARK! GET OUT OF THE WATER
Me: [Remembers 150 people are killed by falling coconuts every year & only 5 from shark attacks] ..No
Please lower gas prices, I’m not built for onlyfans
Iron Man’s cat is a Fe lion
I saw the Cheesecake Factory trending and thought it died.
Fact: an Owl’s head can rotate up to 840°, before it comes off in your hand.
Hike up your waders, it’s time for our village’s annual gravy harvest
being on Twitter right now is like playing the violin on the titanic except we are also making fun of the iceberg and the iceberg is getting genuinely mad
Oh, you like astronomy? Name all the stars.
My DNA came back saying I come from a wide selection of cheeses.
my propensity for dark humor brings all the boys to the graveyard
“I’ve led you this far so the LEAST you can do is drink, dammit!”
Detective: Where were you on the night of…
Me: Kung Fu fighting. We all were. I saw you there.
[SPELLING BEE]
“Your word is HOTELIER”
“Can you use it in a sentence?”
“I bet my hotel is hotelier than yours”
“Post Malone” is British for “mail my mortgage payment.”
My husband woke me up in the middle of the night, no, NOT for sex, but to ask me if I have any “dank memes”.
You don’t even wanna know how I beyond annoyed I am today.
Parenting articles always give the most obvious advice: “Trouble getting your kids up in the morning? Put them to bed earlier.” Give me something innovative like “Invest in an air horn. We like this one that has a built-in water sprayer, available at Amazon for $15.99.”
My husband cleaned the kitchen for the first time in years. He’s in the living room , dressed in a suit, waiting for the award ceremony to commence
me: i keep having that dream where my teeth are falling out
dentist: not a dream, please stop chewing the cement balls outside target
date: [pulls away from kissing] let’s move this to your bed
me: [sitting on a futon] you’re not gonna believe this
Realtor: This house has a great location
Me: But what’s the square doggage?
Realtor: What
Me: *rubbing my temples* How many dogs can it fit?
I’m slytherin because everyone knows women like a bad boy
I’m kidding, I’ve never even read lord of the rings
sergio leone: i’m going to name my next movie after you
the good: nice
the bad: cool
me: what’s it called?
Don’t ever ask a burrito if you should eat it, it will always say no, because burritos are really smart.
The Wi-Fi is out so I guess I’ll have to go harvest DVDs from the field the way my grandmother used to do.
Frodo: Holy crap, I’ve never seen anyone fight like that! How did you get so good?
Legolas: (thinking back to when Santa wouldn’t pay for his health care) … Dragons.
[Date]
Him: I don’t trust myself round youHer(flirting): Oh, stop
Him: I bought an iPad on your credit card when you were in the restroom
Me: “I peed three times last night”
Her: “Don’t you hate getting up and going to the bathroom?”
Me: “Getting up?”
Me: Mmm these are so good! They just melt in your mouth
Cook: Those are ice cubes
Me: Delicious. How are they prepared?
Cooking oats with oat milk always feels like cannibalism and I’m not even an oat