@KateWhineHall: Really, there's no need to ever take your kids anywhere fun because they can just sit and complain at home for a lot less money.
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@tnylgn: Keeping tic-tacs in your pocket lets people know you're more embarrassed of your breath than you are of sounding like a human maraca
@carlyken: "I'd like one personal pizza please" Pizza: Your life's a mess. You should lose 10 pounds. Call your mother. "Whoa maybe not that personal"
@clindsaysway: The rare times my cat approaches me for affection, I run away and hide under the bed so she knows what that feels like.
@michaeljhudson: "Mr. President, N. Korea is threatening to bomb your birthplace" "Why, there's nothing for them in Keny-" "HAWAII, sir" "Right, that's wh