Really, there’s no need to ever take your kids anywhere fun because they can just sit and complain at home for a lot less money.
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Woke at 2 AM to a strange male voice telling me to accept god. Storm knocked out power at 7 and I forgot to turn off TV – thought I’d died.
I created a bunch of wifi networks in case any of my neighbors are single
If someone is jogging at 7am on a Sunday – it’s because they’ve just killed someone right?
[Post fight interview w/ boxer Joey “poor choice of words” Stevens]
Joey: “I just couldn’t get that guy to go down on me.”
Wendall feverishly works on a shirt made solely out of ramen
I surprised a raccoon in my garage this morning, and now he’s telling his friends he made a human run into a wall.
I don’t know much about physics, but I do know that cookout smoke will blow in whatever direction people are sitting.
Woke up with morning Yule Log
i hate workimg at the lightbulb factory!! evrey day i hav to thimk of good ideas so they can harvest the lightbulbs that apear abov my head
Me: Let’s go shopping
Him: Let’s stay home
Me: Let’s talk about our feelings
Him: Let’s go shopping
my mom making me talk to relatives
A doorbell rings. I immediately look up, shocked, as I don’t have one installed. It chimes again. I shiver. The sound vibrates in my soul. I lay aside my book, the text forgotten, and go inexorably to answer the summons. There’s a man there. He speaks,
“Hello. I sell doorbells.”
[the creation of nostalgia]
GOD: ok give the children all the happy feelings
ANGEL: okay
GOD: now as they age don’t let them recreate those feelings
ANGEL: uh—
GOD: make them hyper aware that they once had something they’ll never have again
ANGEL: dude what is your problem
As my mate Simon once said, there should be a German word for “there should be a German word for”.
welp
Doctor: Absolutely DO NOT take this medication with grapefruit juice.
Me: How about bourbon?
Doctor: Grapefruit juice will be fine
Her: “Men are creepy!”
Me, from inside of the closet:
“Yes, we are.”
I want an app for each website I visit. And I want all of them to have loud videos that play automatically. This is my ideal user experience
It’s taking this nurse 20 minutes to get my chart ready for the doctor, every few minutes she asks which hand is numb again.
Please stop saying “There are plenty of fish in the sea”. I’m sick of having sex with fish!!
[first date]
Him: I live with my mom.
Me: Living or dead?
H: What is that you’re having for lunch?
Me: fruit salad
H: That’s funny, it looks like a sangria.
Me: huh, weird *sips fruit salad*
Does this dress make me look cat?
All Tolkien’s tweets would be numbered and his shortest thread would be 65345 tweets
My grandma was so poor she only left me recipes for pasta dishes in her will, you could say she was my..
*golf swings*
Pennefactor.
Me: *giggling* No you hang up first..
Pizza hut: Sir, please stop doing this..
Humans have 46 chromosomes, peas 6 and crayfish 200. You’re clearly not that complicated.
[first day as a chef]
assistant: why is your hat squeaking
Live, laugh, wake up in an icebath missing a kidney