Really, there’s no need to ever take your kids anywhere fun because they can just sit and complain at home for a lot less money.
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Me: You must admit that Apollo 11 landing on the moon 50 yrs ago is pretty impressive.
Cow: *takes drag from cigarette* Yeah, but if you jump over it in 1765 no one cares, apparently.
New-to-school parent: I haven’t heard that — was it in one of the school emails?
Experienced parent: Oh I don’t know, don’t read those. Heard it from Becky whose neighbor’s sister-in-law works in the school office on Thursday mornings.
Just saw the first robin of the year so you know what that means. Batman can’t be far behind.
my mom: fix this for me
also my mom: no, not like that
still my mom: it’s not working
mom: wait it is now
I understand how batteries feel cause I’m rarely ever included in things either.
Airline passenger fell asleep on my shoulder. It was already awkward so I just went ahead & braided her hair.
me: *keeps bumping the back of my hand against his trying to get him to hold mine*
death: quit it
[at ultrasound]
Nurse: there it is. There’s your baby
Me visibly relieved: oh Jesus thank u
Wife whispering to nurse: he thought it was bees
Se7en, but instead of deadly sins, the murders are based on different Smurfs.
Today’s episode of Wheel of Fortune has been cancelled because Jesus took the wheel.
I had to buy our dog flowers because I accidentally called him our old dog’s name.
ME: [rubbing stomach after a big meal]
WAITER: please stop touching me
[on a first date]
Her: I don’t like guns
Me: *casually unrolls my t-shirt sleeves*
Shout out to school music teachers everywhere who made a choice in life to get trapped in a room with 25 kids learning to play the recorder.
Peeling onions is great because you get to cry about everything in front of your kids and blame supper.
I just overheard a woman tell her son “We don’t lick other people, it’s gross” and now I’m reevaluating so many choices I’ve made.
I stole a friend’s phone today and set it so it will autocorrect “I’ve” to “me’ve” and me’m really excited about it.
Her: What’s your fantasy?
Me: Sexy nurse!
H: Meet me in the bedroom.
[10 minutes later]
*we both come in wearing nurse costumes*
M: Uh.
[Sitting down at a restaurant]
Ah yes, they’re all here. Salt, pepper, ketchup and mustard. All the ones we agreed on, forever, as god intended. Two powders, two goos.
When you go to the gynecologist on Halloween they use a spookulum.
I saw a girl carrying a hamster so I asked if I could pet it but it was actually a muffin so I’m on my way to jump of a cliff now
Don’t worry about my probation officer, he just likes to watch.
Women shouldn’t work outside the home. It’s STEVE Jobs, not EVE Jobs.
When asked by the creepy guy at the bar “Why aren’t you smiling?” my go-to answer is always “My yeast infection really is bubbling up.”
“What if your breakfast could occasionally spit acid in your eye?”
-Inventor of grapefruit
Two people are breaking up outside my window right now & I just heard one of them scream YOU DON’T EVEN FOLLOW ME ON INSTAGRAM. Some things are unforgivable.
Friend: You should keep some club soda handy for your wine stains.
Me: Did you just passive aggressively call me a sloppy drunk?
Me: I want to take you home and drink you up baby
Case of beer: I have a boyfriend
THERAPIST: You need more friends
ME: I put bird seed that attracts raccoons in the backyard, last week
THERAPIST: …
ME: …
THERAPIST: … So all of these-
ME: [surrounded by raccoons] Whatever you have to say to me, you can say in front of the garbage boys