Really want to try out a career in tracing, or something along those lines.
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Listen. You call me a cunt and I’ll call you an ambulance.
I always get self conscious buying toilet paper like some high schooler is gonna take a picture of me and post it online with the caption “lmao this dude poops”
Kylo Ren was more powerful with his helmet on. With it off, he had to use a majority of his power to maintain his hair’s body and bounce.
Body: I’m sooooooo tired
Brain: WHAT IF DINOSAURS HAD ASSAULT RIFLES
why are we keeping it a secret where i’m supposed to tap my debit card. why am i slowly sliding it around the screen like i am cracking a safe
ME: *does something stupid*
I hope no one saw me do thatALSO ME: *texting all my friends* Listen to what I just did
Blimey, it must be getting cold, just seen the postman in trousers.
In dog beers I’ve only had 2.
me: just tell me I don’t die in an Arby’s bathroom stall
Death: [sadly looking up from his book] look, what matters is how you lived
alfred: you have lung cancer
batman: how?
alfred: probably from using smoke bombs to get out of scary situations
batman:
alfred:
batman: *reaches for smoke bomb*
alfred: sir, no
Can’t, I’m in big trouble with the wife. She just started a new diet and I brought home half a chocolate cake from the office.
Been watching a lot of Netflix documentaries & I think a really good way for me to make a lot of money is to find a rich woman & tell her I’m a vampire or some other crazy shit & she’ll just give me loads of cash.
Dracula: *transforms into a bat*
Me: OMG flappy sky puppy come here there is a blanket and I’ve got the brushybrushy for you do you want the brushybrushy
Dracula:
Me:
Dracula:
Me:
Dracula: *tiny voice* yes
Did you breast feed him as a baby?
“Lady, I didn’t have breasts when I was a baby.”
Me: I’m so emotional today
8 ice cream sandwiches: We can help!
People belittle the internet “talking about a dress” as if we’re busy solving problems otherwise.
My husband used the word “analyze” during sex so I’m going to throw myself into on coming traffic now.
I want to live in a world where the plural of moose is mooses.
Me: I want to be like Hemingway.
Friend: a writer?
Me: no. An alcoholic.
[courtroom]
Lawyer: If you didnt bite that surfers leg THEN WHO DID
Shark: I’m telling you idk
*whale in the audience opens a big newspaper*
I’m fairly certain my dogs would run away and hide if I’m ever attacked by a leaf.
My dog is in a music video so needless to say he has accomplished more in life than I have.
I hope the guy who just cut me off in traffic goes to that hotel in the shining and opens the elevator and it’s just filled with hot dog water
[I open my lunchbox at work to find an apple]
‘But that means…’
[Cut to Isaac Newton in 1666, jumping up from under a tree while wiping cold spaghetti out of his eyes]
me: what’s your favorite book
her: I love 1984
me: just pick one
People say Twitter is a futile waste of time, but that’s only if you’re doing it right
When you’re too stoned to be in a meeting and someone asks your opinion just say “well it’s a numbers game” and watch everyone nod in agreement
respect that the little drummer boy showed up empty handed and said here’s some noise
My father will accept 10 ripe avocados in exchange for my hand in marriage.