Realtor: And I can assure you the house has been child-proofed
*my kid walks in*
Me: I see you’re a liar
You Might Also Like
The easiest way to burn fat is cremation.
8-year-old: *shows me the sample of her school picture*
Me: Why do you look so angry?
8: I was getting my picture taken.
The worst thing a woman can ask a man is “Guess what today is.”
My son’s field trip consent form lists walkmans & radios under ‘Optional items.’ Where the hell are they going, 1989??
“Sorry about this, but I ran out of allergy medicine and it’s spring,” I say to the frightened pharmacy clerk through my hazmat suit.
My boyfriend thinks I ask “dumb questions” like “would you love me if I were a worm” and then turns around and asks me shit like do I think it would be funny if he started doing Patrick Bateman’s care routine as a bit
waiter: do you need a minute to look over the menu?
me, researched it online: yes please
Seems kinda suspicious
Putting the table into the shower does make it a little crowded but I needed a good spot for my beer
Ikea Employee: I’m calling security
The irish goodbye: leave without telling anyone
The Midwest goodbye: stand around for 4-8 more hours saying goodbye to the entire party
4yo: can you get this open for me?
Me: oomph this is kinda tough
4yo: use your claws
I was bitten by a crow, since then I’ve had the proportionate strength, speed, and agility of a guy who is bleeding from the head a bit
Every time a cop pulls me over I get nervous because I think they’re finally going to arrest me for those hotel towels I stole while vacationing.
1997: I Know What You Did Last Summer
1998: I Still Know What You Did Last Summer
2006: I’ll Always Know What You Did Last Summer
2020: Say, Remember That Thing You Did 23 Summers Ago? No? Me Neither. In Fairness, it Was a While Ago. Never Mind. As You Were. Bye.
I’m going to steal my own tweets and get mad at myself.
Doctor: I’m sorry, I did everything I could.
Grieving Family: We just can’t believe you wasted your time getting a PhD in Philosophy.
restuarants need to start hanging up pictures of their bathrooms outside so i know what im getting before i walk in the damn place
Jeff Bezos inches closer to becoming Pitbull
COP: Know why I stopped you?
MAN IN A RESTAURANT EATING FRIED CHICKEN: Huh?
COP: You’re using a knife and fork. Step away from the chicken
doctor: and how long has your most recent panic attack been going on
me: probably since the summer of 2015
interviewer: can you use word
me: buddy [putting hand on his shoulder] I can use a lot of words
Can some of you who who post pictures of your muscles come over Saturday and help me move?
[edison inventing lightbulb]
[match appears over his head]
I have an idea
Them: You’re hot.
Me: *eyes narrowed suspiciously* How many crosswalks do you see in here right now?
A funny thing to do when someone’s dog barks at you is say, “I don’t speak dog,” and then when they leave the room, speak dog fluently.
My grandma had a lock installed on her medicine cabinet poor thing no one’s ever going to visit her again
Oh, your kid gets straight A’s at school? That’s cool. My son knows exactly what to do in case of a zombie apocalypse.
“Everybody Dance Now” – C & C Music Factory
“20 sided Dice now” – D & D Music Factory#LunchPun #RateMyPun
The pandemic has made it nearly impossible for me to get piggyback rides from strangers, so I’m really over it.
Having a kitten around is great, because I was definitely missing being randomly assaulted by five pounds of panicky barbed wire as silent as a shadow in my life.