Realtor: Hi. Would you like a tour?
Me: (stuffing cookies in my purse) The sign said there would be sandwiches too.
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MOM LEAF: omg you changed color
KID LEAF: yeah everyone’s doing it
MOM LEAF: oh so if all the other leaves fell off the tree would you do it too
He asked if I was into anal, then got all weird when I pulled out my strap-on. Advice?
I bet the first guy to pee on someone’s jellyfish sting was NOT trying to help them.
El Chapo is a murderous Mexican drug lord. El Chapo Supreme is a murderous Mexican drug lord with sour cream, lettuce and tomato.
I keep my enemies closer because you can only throw a rock so far.
This horse is a great reminder that our generation did not invent shitposting, it merely adapted it to another form
KID: *falls out of tree* I’m fine
ADULT: *sleeps on neck a little strangely* I have to turn my whole body to look at you for the next week
I don’t have kids or a dog. What can I bring into a bar that will make everyone mad?
My fashion decisions have gone from “Is it cute?” to “Is it comfy?” to “Did anybody see me wear this yesterday?”
I react to seeing a pizza the way most women react when they see a baby. It makes me want another one of my own.
My neighbor is a real douche & always cheating on his wife, so I changed my wifi to KARL IS CHEATING ON YOU AMY for when she needs my wifi.
I have to wonder why we have “non-essential” government employees in the first place.
This probably isn’t good
it’d be impossible to tell if a sloth was clapping sincerely
At first I was disappointed that the prize for completing my “fair food punch card” was a giant bucket, but it turns out I needed it
Pro: I will make you a gourmet meal.
Con: I will pronounce the t in gourmet.
ME{from upstairs}: Honey, I’m gonna take a Bublé bath
WIFE: You mean bubble bath, dear
ME: Right
MICHAEL BUBLÉ: Are you getting in or what?
at its core, Harry Potter is a beautiful story about the value of having a hot mom
Every birth announcement I see the parents are like “we’re already so in love!” Just once I want a “she seems chill but we’ll see what happens”
Whenever you’re feeling inadequate, remember: You know more about medicine than legitimate doctors during the civil war did.
Me: don’t 🙏🏼 judge 💜 other 🌈 people 💕 be kind ✌🏼😇
Also me: anyone who likes the new Taylor Swift song has a rotten brain parasite
me: why does my back hurt
also me:
Just gonna drink light beers today because I don’t wanna get drunk but I do enjoy peeing 37 times.
Trump says he’ll make Oasis pay for a wonder wall.
18 years old: let’s eat pizza at 1am and feel amazing
40 years old: I ate a chicken sandwich at 9pm and had heartburn for two days
Five Little Monkeys jumping on the bed
One fell off and bumped his head
Mama sipped wine and said, “told ya.”
I like listening to true crime podcasts while I clean my bathroom because I can pretend I’m destroying evidence.
If my funeral is open casket my only request is that I have cucumber slices over my eyes.
you should basically never start working until at least 10:30am. you should also start wrapping things up for the day around 3pm. and we musn’t forget about the traditional hour lunch.
Pharaohs were buried with their hands crossed over their chest because of the belief there would be countless water slides in the after life.