Realtor: It’s a four-story building.
Me: Nice!
Realtor (quietly): AllFourOfTheStoriesAreAboutPeopleWhoDiedHere
Me: What?
Realtor: It’s cozy
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We’re often told that if we’re unsure whether to report a crime, we should always err on the side of doing so. Yet when I report that my local pub now puts sultanas in its coleslaw, I’m told this “does not constitute a high priority” for the police. I mean mixed messages or what?
I like to imagine Supreme Court is just like regular court but with tomatoes and sour cream.
Watermelon. The fruit that comes with a workout.
Sorry I mostly speculated about my missing stapler in your leaving card.
You gotta wet it first, doesn’t work dry. The wetter the better.
-whistling you perverts
origin story of all Disney villains:
“omg if I hear ONE more person singing today-“
wife: I know we had plans tonight but I’ve been stuck in traffic for an hour and I just want to come home and relax
me [unaware that we had plans] Ok
*watches someone skateboard off a roof
…hold my beer
I covered my boyfriend’s laptop in melted cheese and now he’s really mad at me. I mean, what did he expect when he asked for Mac and cheese?
My wife made me pack my own bag for vacation and now I have to figure out how to wear potato chips.
My 3YO refuses to put on her socks because she thinks the triceratops on them will bite her, which is really dumb because it’s not a meat-eater.
You: *sneezes*
Me: [hears phrases incorrectly but appropriates them anyway] kazoo night.
I want Grandmmarly, the app that passive aggressively corrects my grammar but also mails me a 5 dollar bill on my birthday
No one in my entire life has believed in me more than the waiter who just gave me a single napkin to use while eating my lunch
I wouldn’t have to stash these leftovers in my bra if this dress had pockets
So much focus on the gold silver and bronze! What about the fourth place finisher? Sorry about that 1/200th of a second. Here’s a cheese sandwich.
“Never let someone else destroy your stuff when you can destroy it yourself”, every kid I know
My kid upon learning his actual name is Charles and not Charlie
Did Ace of Base ever do another song wherein it was explained what happened to her original baby?
“Your former crush likes this thing”
“Your former crush likes this thing”
“Your former crush likes this thing”
My alarm went off way too early today. I tried hitting the snooze button but as it turns out – my kid bites.
My birthstone is kidney
Hostess: enjoy these complimentary after dinner mints
Mints: you have beautiful eyes
Me: [blushing] wow they’re very complimentary
Life is like a box of chocolates, once you have kids it’s gone.
In what he hoped would be his final attempt, Cupid opted this time to hit me with a grappling hook.
ME: [on my deathbed] this is pretty nice
MATTRESS STORE SALESMAN: sir, you can’t die here
*Opens twitter*
*Sees Polio is trending*
*Closes twitter*
My one weakness is definitely chocolate. And cake, also cake. Oh, coffee. Wait bread too. There’s also cheese.
My one weakness is indecision.
*at reading of my will*
Executor: *opens envelope*
‘Ahem…’You selfish, bloodsucking little pricks…’’