Realtor: It’s a four-story building.
Me: Nice!
Realtor (quietly): AllFourOfTheStoriesAreAboutPeopleWhoDiedHere
Me: What?
Realtor: It’s cozy
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Role playing didnt go so well last night. She was the hot sexy teacher and I the rebel student..so I ditched class. Cause schools for nerds.
That prank where you roll the windows down as you go through a carwash so your friends get soaked isn’t as funny when you do it by yourself
me: this leaf blower is doing more harm than good. i want a refund
store manager: that’s a rocket launcher
Five second rule? Pfft. What’s the point of having an immune system if you’re not going to use it?
ADVERT: Have you been involved in an accident at work…
*looks up from hospital bed*
ADVERT: …that wasn’t your fault…
ME: Oh.
My kid was driving me crazy so I told her daddy wanted to play hide & seek and he was hiding first [he wasn’t home]. Follow me for more parenting hacks.
Yelling “wooooo” when the singer says the name of your town is what separates us from the animals.
My husband was upset that the baby spit up on his “nice clothes”.
I’m not sure if I’m more confused by my husband thinking he has “nice clothes” or that he doesn’t understand what a washing machine does.
I thought I brushed my hair before I left for work, but the mirror in the office bathroom has a different opinion.
Ummm
you miss 100% of the gossip from the phone calls you don’t answer
Me: There is a small tree on fire.
911: Could you describe it?
Me:Picture shrubbery…now picture it engulfed in flames.
I went for a drive but I forgot my glasses. I didn’t even realize I had forgotten them until the guy lying on my windshield said something.
I am going to miss shaking hands after sex.
Felt great to be hit on by a kid in his 20’s on my bday until my sister told me I could be his mother.
her: i love croissants
me: *trying to impress* i’m flaky too
[love making]
Her: [leans in] “do that thing you know I like.”
[i cease to exist]
Her: “yeah baby.”
I’ve had 3 Red Bulls today and now I can taste my heartbeat.
I don’t think people in real life will recognize me from my avi. Usually when they see me, I’m not wearing sunglasses or clothes.
“just a suggestion :)” is the most passive aggressive aside of all time. here’s my cute little suggestion cloaked in invisible knives
Fidel Castro was alive?
If I was a vampire, pretty sure I’d find a way to cover blood in cheese.
If you ever see a ghost DO NOT put a sheet over your head and make noises. They find it offensive.
I had a cat and a Beta fish once. Then I left my apartment for a minute. After that I had a cat.
ME: [on my deathbed] this is pretty nice
MATTRESS STORE SALESMAN: sir, you can’t die here
The Dalai Lama and Gandhi aren’t the same? I thought they were basically Miley Cyrus/Hannah Montana. I feel like people are messing with me.
[tour of zoo]
kid: “i think its a elephant”
me: “are you giving the tour”
kid:
me: “anyway as i was saying this is the big snake face thing”
My boyfriend woke up this morning with a huge smile on his face. I love sharpies
If Dua Lipa married Ronnie Biggs, divorced him to marry George Melly then divorced him to marry Winnie the Pooh she’d be Dua Biggs Melly Pooh.
No, YOU’RE a child!
Chess is my favourite game but I don’t play favourites