REALTOR: It’s a great neighborhood. Wonderful schools-
ME: And the Pokemon?
REALTOR: …. sigh. Mostly Pidgeys
ME: I think I’ve seen enough.
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Therapist: *holding up a stack of cards* look at these ink blots and tell me the first thing that pops into your head.
Squid: danger, predator, escape, fear of death, danger, my mother-in-law, danger.
Therapist: still on the first card.
I’m voting for whoever my cat thinks I should and my vote counts just as much as yours
Me too, bag. Me too….
Well, I don’t know how my tattoo is gonna look when I’m 60, Carol, but I know you’ll be dead by then so
what did I do this weekend? saw 50 Shades Darker & coughed through the whole movie on purpose
50% of fatherhood is repeating yourself.
Other 50% is untangling your kid from the shirt stuck on their head cause you didn’t unbutton it.
Sasquatch: *squinting* Nah, I still don’t believe that’s Kate.
As an adult very few things are less humiliating than being caught in public trying to be cute for a selfie.
I grounded my kid from electronics for a week and now he won’t stop talking to me and I think I’ve made a horrible mistake.
Please put away that scary photo, Tina.
That’s my X-ray.
I’m not sure what’s worse: the fact you dated a skeleton or that its name was Ray.
All pigeons are stool pigeons if you stand under them long enough.
Me to my 6yo: Hey Buddy, whatchya doing?
6yo: None of your business.
Me: You came out of my business.
dryer: permanent press
me: ah yes. of course i know what that means.
*checks my Fitbit to see how many calories rejection burns*
“people online aren’t your real friends” tom hanks was best friends with a volleyball.
Why is it called taking a shit and not de-deucing?
Why are books the only thing advertised as “Wherever books are sold.” You can’t sell other stuff by saying “Wherever you get this shit, IDK”
This why you should mind your business
I’m terrible with names…
…just ask my daughter Barry
Inflation has gotten so bad, the 7-Eleven changed its name to the 9-Thirteen.
If I had a dollar for every time my dad questioned my sexuality I could afford a bad ass Harley and probably some super cute riding boots
Woke up feeling not too shabby for a 55-year-old. The only problem is I’m still in my 40s.
[First day as a private investigator]
*Forgets to turn off camera shutter sound
*Gets murdered
I wonder what song the Little Mermaid was singing when she viciously ripped a clam in half to make a bikini top?
A taser but for people who say “it is what it is”.
If your wife asks “would you like the fan turned on?” the only correct answer is get up and turn the fan on.
I hate to brag but my family has testified against me in court more than yours has.
Hobos are like cats, they’ll let you pet them until you stop feeding them cat food.
Them: So why did you guys get divorced? Did he cheat?
Me: We went to Costco on a Saturday.