REALTOR: This community has a great neighborhood watch
WIFE: [sees me suddenly excited] Don’t you dare
ME: WHO DECIDES WHO GETS TO WEAR IT
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Where do you weigh a pie?
Somewhere over the rainbow … weigh a pie…
DRUNKEN GUNSLINGER: Oh, so you think you can poke me, do ya? *draws gun* Well, reach for the sky!
CACTUS: 🌵
DRUNKEN GUNSLINGER: That’s right…
Hang on, dude in the stall next to me has a Spanish soap opera on. I have to find out if this chick’s pregnant.
[On a date at a restaurant]
So this is nice huh?
“Yea,uh, who’s that?”
*Dad is breathing on the window and writing ‘VIRGIN’ in the steam*
Why do people have guest books at their houses? Your game night is not a destination, Brenda.
*shampoos & conditions hair
*rinses hair
*blowdries hair
*straightens hair
*spits toothpaste into hair
*crawls out of your television and tries to kill you* I’m not like other girls.
a fool and his money are hey new iphone
Someone should probably go check on Steve.
[First date]
“So, do you have any pets?”
Yeah, I have a pet crow. He’s white.
“You have an albino crow?”
He prefers the term cawcasian.
Interviewer: Under skills you put horse whisperer and able to see ghosts
Me: Ask that horse if you don’t believe me
Interviewer: What horse?
“Turtle Power” is not an appropriate response when HR asks you how you plan to meet your objectives this year. Apparently.
Everyone at Thanksgiving table:
Me: Wait I thought you said bring a side piece
i have feelings for you. frustration mostly, but still
Waiter: And how did you find the wine?
Me: Well the first clue was the bottle in the middle of the table
The government says 50 terror plots have been thwarted since NSA surveillance. What a perfectly even, unsuspicious number.
When I get cold in a movie theater, I pull a CVS receipt out of my purse and use it as a blanket.
Her: Who’s your favourite character in the Muppet Show?
Me: The vampire
Her: He doesn’t count
Me: I can assure you that he does
Hey everyone, I’m ABSOLUTELY obsessed with this new web series I’ve been marathoning where I non-stop refresh a worldwide coronavirus counter
MAN!! My boss is always “Blah blah blah”, “You’re late”, and “Get me more pictures of Spiderman!!”
not now darling, mummy’s influencing on the www.
[answers phone during job interview]
What’s the address here? The Pizza Hut guy can’t find me.
Me: *clears throat*
Boss: You have a wee cough
Me: Thanks, see you in seven days
I just misread genetic as generic. I don’t know whether to blame the poor eyesight I inherited from my dad or these store brand reading glasses.
For as much as they teach you “Stop, Drop, and Roll” as a kid, I really expected to be on fire at least once in my life.
Reverse Edgar Allan Poe be like, Quoth the Peacock, “Alwaysless.”
Lion: I heard Adam got kicked out of Eden
Antelope: o no
Lion: looks like we can eat whatever we want
Antelope: omfg
Does a hot bath tighten the virginia?
[before humans were invented]
animals: this is nice
“I’m never gonna do THAT again!”
~ Me, about things I’ll continually do…
Again