Realtor: This house has a great location
Me: But what’s the square doggage?
Realtor: What
Me: *rubbing my temples* How many dogs can it fit?
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Indiana Jones & the hopscotch of doom.
[watching The Notebook]
Her: Noah wrote Allie a letter every day for a year
Me: I bet each one just said, Hey
The ice cream man is not impressed how much faster I run than children.
I’m aging like an avocado. By the time I finally noticed my prime it was too late.
Public bathrooms are why parkour was invented.
Our lovely neighbours politely mentioned our piano was very noisy. So we put it up for sale on the street what’s app group. Their other neighbours on the other side of their house have literally just bought it
At the end of “Grease,” the car just started flying and everyone was all, “Aw, good for them.”
“Enter passcode to use Touch ID” – then what is the point of you Touch ID that lives on my iPad? WHY ARE YOU SO SCARED?
Me: Guys, enough with the trash talk. Who called this meeting?
7 raccoons on Zoom:
Me: I bumped into your Grandpa earlier
Wife: My grandpa has been buried in the graveyard for 10 years
Me: My driving test went really badly
[being taken hostage]
*tearing up* it’s so nice to have someone take an interest
Soccer is fun until you think about the ball’s feelings.
How many situps do I have to do before I get a 6 pack? Please say 5.
[first day as skydiving instructor]
Me, holding back tears: some of you aren’t gonna make it
Dad just found my Twitter. Fame is a double edged sword. On an unrelated note, church today was so much fun and I got so much studying done.
Spiders have it about right.
If he doesn’t bring her a snack when he courts her it’s curtains..
When you know it’s a French word but you can’t quite remember which one
it was love at first sight
How was I supposed to know unleashing 342 cats in a club would turn to bone-chilling horror the instant the disco balls started up?
My neighbor won a hay show. Hay like in grass that livestock eats. There’s a show for it
Ok, so there’s “senior’s parking,” and “expectant mothers parking” at the grocery store.
Where is the parking for “Undermedicated, on a short fuse and probably shouldn’t be out in public?”
I can’t tell if I lost weight or stretched out my pants beyond the point of no return.
Writing ‘thanks.’ instead of ‘thanks!’ so you know I’m mad
I just love it when my boyfriend comes to visit and brings me presents. He always says stuff like “stop winking and sign for this package”
Me: Tie me up? That’s kinky
My Kidnapper: You’ve made this awkward now
Him: What are you doing tomorrow?
Me: I was thinking maybe a chocolate croissant for breakfast.
Him: *sighs*
Me: Oh, you mean between meals.
Hitchhikers won’t kill you if you kill them first.
Last week a friend told me she’s looking forward to her toddler turning 3 because she’s tired of the defiant stage. I’m still laughing.
My son asked me where poo came from. I was a little uncomfortable but gave him an honest answer. He looked perplexed and stared at me for a minute then asked….and tigger???
Being the parent of a 7 yr old boy, I have washed many odd things when I forgot to check his pockets, but today wins: an entire potato.