Realtor: This house has a great location
Me: But what’s the square doggage?
Realtor: What
Me: *rubbing my temples* How many dogs can it fit?
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OBAMA: I want to close Gitmo
GOP: no
OBAMA: But you haven’t even—
GOP: no
OBAMA: …
GOP: no
OBAMA: I’m resigning
GOP: no
OBAMA: haha gotcha
I handed her the flowers. “You shouldn’t of!” she said. I took them back. “Have,” I whispered
The slow disappearance in forks from the silverware drawer solidifies my fears of an upcoming arms race with my children.
Gave my Dad a ouija board so we can keep in touch after he gave my Mom a vacuum for her birthday
[Lori Loughlin trial]
JUDGE: Does the defence have any witnesses?
LAWYER: We’d like to call Jesse Katsopolis
JUDGE: Isn’t he a fictional character?
LAWYER: Yes, your honor
JUDGE: Is he just gonna act hunky and say, “Have Mercy”?
LAWYER: Yes, your honor
JUDGE: I’ll allow it
I wonder if there are introvert birds who get tired of all the chatter coming from the extrovert birds.
wife: I should have never let you take that morse code class
me: shhh *listening to the hail hit our roof* the storm is talking to me
Nobody talks about Jesus’ miracle of having 12 close friends in his 30s
My son told me he came downstairs after we tucked him in last night and he heard “gorilla sounds” coming from our bedroom. I never thought we’d have ‘the talk’ this soon, but I sat him down and told him about irritable bowel syndrome.
“Take me with you,” I whisper, palms pressed to the windowpane, watching the trash truck drive away.
It’s incredibly hard to keep engaged in a conversation while you know a plate of biscuits is about to be offered to you. You can sense the biscuits making their way up the table. You can hear other people pretending to be surprised by the biscuits by saying “ooh, biscuits!”. And here you are, pretending to speak to someone, feeling like an extra in a film. You can’t look at the biscuits, that’s not part of the game. Just have to fix your eyes on the person you’re speaking to, just have to hold your nerve steady until… “ooh, biscuits!”
MAGICIAN: think of a card!
ME: ok.
MAGICIAN: is… this ur card?
[holds up card that says “UGH I HATE MAGIC SHOWS THIS IS CRAP”]
ME: holy crap
Apparently the drunk guy at the urinal next to me is under the impression that I was stung in the leg by a jellyfish.
ME: What’s the first rule of bite club?
DRACULA: Is it biting?
ME: That’s right, Dracula, it’s biting.
RATTLESNAKE: [quietly to himself] I was gonna say biting.
Parenting talk translated.
“Come on you’re very tired, you need to get to bed.”
Actually means:
“Come on, I’m very tired, you need to get to bed.”
A guy on Intervention is named Bryceton, I thought the intervention was for the parents having more kids
Life is like a can of mixed nuts. No matter how hard you try to get all kinds, you’re always left with a bunch of peanuts in the end.
Did you guys know that protons have mass?
I didn’t even know they were Catholic…
Annie: I feel weird
Michael Jackson: I have the best idea for a song
Pop up from someone’s backseat to show you care.
I used to think alcohol silenced the voices in my head until I realised it had just moved them to my mouth.
Just saw a piece of jewelry made in 1982 described as “vintage” so I’ll be laying down the rest of the day
My family keeps bringing up my felony like I’m afraid to commit another one.
Thank you HGTV for allowing my wife to think I could rebuild our house over the weekend.
[alphabet committee]
Boss: what are the vowels
Designer: a e i o and u
Boss: sometimes i think we need another one
Designer: why
Boss: ok
Bartender: What will you have?
Me: Whiskey
BT: Straight?
Me: Except for that one time in college.
BT:
Me:
BT:
Me: How ’bout them Red Sox?
The prophecy is fulfilled
He was a sperm,
she was an egg
can i make it anymore ovulous