There’s that girl again. Time to impress her.
*Rolls down the window blasting a science podcast*
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[stopping the tattoo artist 15 seconds into my “feel no pain” tattoo] ok so you’re gonna laugh
Get married and have kids so you can spend your Saturday going apple picking instead of doing LITERALLY ANYTHING ELSE.
It’s taking this nurse 20 minutes to get my chart ready for the doctor, every few minutes she asks which hand is numb again.
Him: (on phone) Why are you single? Me: (watching a movie about a killer tire) I don’t know.
I msgd him and he hasn’t msgd back. He was obviously so excited I msgd that he fainted.
My therapist says “being eaten by a bear” is not a “goal”.
Card reader: this is not looking good
Me: mf’er, reshuffle it
The hiring manager calling me for an interview just said uhm about 300 times. Does that mean I got the job?
An unboxing video but it’s the toys my kid buried under her bed and forgot she had…
Accidentally pronounced wifi as “wifey” and the hotel concierge said the password’s helping out around the house and being a good listener.
This bank app is great for checking account activity!
Also comes in handy when you just need a reason to cry.
Them: “I hate to be a…”
Me: “Then don’t.”
“MAKE GOOD CHOICES!!”, I screamed from inside the cop car
Say what you will about Elon’s management style, but before he took over all you guys posted was “ugh another day on this hell site” and now you’re all like “ah twitter the extraordinary place where I met all my best friends, started my career, had sex for the first time”
Secretly Canadians love it when people mistake them for Amer-
*is decapitated by a hockey stick*
Woman: What are you taking out of your pocket?
Man: A knife. I’m a serial killer.
Woman: Oh thank God, I thought it was an engagement ring.
FRIEND: did you hear about the Salvation Army volunteer who is on strike?
ME: doesn’t ring a bell
She didn’t believe I was single so I showed her my bathroom with the Metallica poster
her: [texts something funny]
me: [types hahahaha]
me: [stares at it]
me: [deletes one ha]
Adulthood is like the part in The Wizard of Oz where Dorothy tries to runaway from her problems, but then SURPRISE, there is also a tornado.
[Arby’s]
Me: This horsey sauce barely tastes like horse at all
Mgr: *adding horse shavings* Tell me when
Interviewer: what is your greatest weakness?
Me: I think people find me intimidating
Interviewer (nervously): maybe it has something to do with the-
Me: OMG, it has nothing to do with the giant hawk perched on my shoulder
Can me and you go out sometime?
“No, your grammar is too poor”
Ok wow, my gramma broke af, but what that got to do with us?
Mom Math:
If Child A has 2 scoops of ice cream in his bowl, and child B has 1 3/4 scoops, how many days will Mom have to hear about it?
WATSON: do you even have a proper education?
SHERLOCK: Elementary, my dear Watson
WATSON: but, like, beyond that
SHERLOCK: nah
Why is my body letting me get a cold?
I gave it an orange only last week….
if something “takes the cake” that’s on you for not guarding said cake appropriately
Wait for it…
This is *probably* the best villainous hair reveal in cinema history.
Sex is like pizza, there’s NO reason it should ever involve vegetables