Me (standing on top of my kitchen island): I CANT SWIM!!!!
You Might Also Like
Why is everything so sticky?
-parenthood
5 missed calls from my mom. Frantically called her back, expecting tragedy; nope, wallets are on sale at Kohl’s.
There is wisdom there.
I can’t remember where I parked my car an hour ago but I can recall how stupid I was at 20. Please God erase that memory & bring back my car
Here’s the most important thing to keep in mind when your kid starts kindergarten: picking them up. Yeah…I just got “the call.”
I told my husband not to get me anything for our anniversary. You don’t think he won’t get me anything, do you?
uber driver picked me up “dodger stadium? you goin to the game?” i was like “nah” and we both sat there in silence for the whole ride, both knowing i had lied
Wedding DJ pointed at a bird that flew inside the building and yelled, “Y’all, give it up for the man who taught me how to SHAPESHIFT!!!”
I cringe when teens brag about taking girls to pound town because adopting a puppy together is a huge responsibility.
I’m sick of diarrhea. I want to livarrhea.
fruit vendors are just vegan butchers.
This guy’s not having it 😆
Me: I have a lot of work to do.
Windows Updates: you’re gonna have to wait
I live on the edge. I set my coffee on my rounded couch arm.
Is ‘Monkey Bread’ for monkeys, made by monkeys or made from monkeys?
I just referred to tongs as ‘food tweezers’ in case you want to be in awe of my command of the English language.
Save money on Christmas presents by telling the kids that Santa’s got to work from home this year
The coconut is very versatile. It can be eaten or be used to make a radio.
When I got my epidural during childbirth I didn’t realize it was gonna wear off before the toddler years
I shot a man in Reno just to watch him dry
(I used a water pistol)
I’m on the steak diet. You just have four steaks for breakfast, four for lunch, then a sensible dinner of six steaks.
I’m worried my new haircut makes me look like a serial killer, which could really cramp my ability to do as much serial killing.
My upstairs neighbor/friend passed away last week. We’d exchange hilarious barbs with every encounter.
His daughter just came to the door.Her: “My Dad really loved you. He left you this to help you with transportation, Ms. Caramel.”
It was a broom! 😂🤣
son: dad, can I watch the lord of the rings movies?
dad: sure, I’ll join you.
son: should we watch them back to back?
dad: no side by side probably works better.
[on a first date]
Me: sure, I’d love to see your basement
The biggest laugh at a joke I’ve ever received was on a plane to Amsterdam.
I was on a KLM flight, and the Heineken tall boys were free. When I asked for my fourth, the flight attendant asked me if I think I’d had enough.
I replied, ” Am I gonna have to fly the plane later?
#Itssocoldthat..A streaker froze in mid-streak! The town council just stuck a plaque on him and pretended he was a Greek statue until spring
FRIEND: Where were you?
ME: I got sick and had to rush to the doctor
FRIEND: Flu?
ME: Nah, just drove really fast
You can say whatever you want in front of your kids until they learn to talk, then you gotta button that shit up. They’ll rat you out in a second
From my Mom