Growing up, Sesame Street taught me the importance of education, empathy, and kindness.
Bugs Bunny, on the other hand, taught me that revenge on my enemies should be quick, clever, and brutal.
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SCIENTIST: Dear God! Were… were you chewing bubble gum when you went through the teleporter??
ME, a pink, lumpy man-shaped blob: Uh… no.
SCIENTIST: Oh… sorry.
My only stock options are chicken and beef.
Once this giraffe adoption comes through, my days of cleaning gutters are over.
We found out today how many people it takes to hold me down for a flu shot.
I’m surprised so few people ask me why I’m carrying a cudgel around.
I went for a job interview and the manager said, “we’re looking for someone who is responsible.”
“Well that’s me,” I replied. “In my last job, whenever anything went wrong they said I was responsible!”
I hate it when a dog starts barking and then every other dog nearby retweets him.
Doctor: Step on the scale.
Me, 1st pregnancy: With or without my shoes?
Me, 2nd pregnancy: With or without the jacket?
Me, 3rd pregnancy: With or without the rotisserie chicken?
*rearranges underwear drawer*
Neighbor: the party’s downstairs. Please get out of my room
Our cruise ship’s movie theater is showing Titanic. That’s a foreshadow, right?
I told my kids to stop fighting, so now they’re playing with dolls who are fighting.
Me: Hi, mom. I’m feeling tremendous guilt.
Mom: Why?
Me: Just thought I’d save you the effort.
Hey all you parents who recently named your kid Jax
We get it you’re unoriginal and watch SOAHold on my daughter Grey’s Anatomy is crying
3 is throwing cheerios across the room for 1 to fetch, and I’m just wondering why I didn’t think of that first
Interview:
“What’s your greatest weakness?”
*I look at my watch then lean in*
How much time do you have?
Badminton implies the existence of Goodminton and Alrightminton.
My neighbor cut their tree down and now my house looks bald.
Monica just destroyed the internet
“Please refrain, Angry God, from using the Newspaper of Doom” the Spider King cries as he orders another sacrifice into your sleeping mouth
I love when people ask if pets are adopted, like no, I was in labour for 28 hours and it was an all natural birth, thanks for asking Linda
venmo me $5 and i will find your ex’s hottest photo and start an argument in the comments about new york vs chicago pizza for some reason
Raccoons are riding wild hogs into battle against the possums. I guarantee you the media will be completely silent about it.
Def Leppard: “Pour some sugar on me. Ooh, in the name of love”
Def Leppard’s Mom: “Just great! Now we’re going to have ants!”
4yo: What do you love most in the world?
Me: You & your brother
4yo: Oh
Me: What about you?
4yo: The fire tree in Plants vs. Zombies
Me: Oh
Why did David Hasselhoff change his name to The Hoff?
It was less hassle.
Pretty sure California’s water crisis could have been solved with the number of dropped ice cubes that I’ve lazily kicked under the fridge.
I smoked a pack of cigarettes in 6 hrs, I don’t think your kale will save me.
My life is like a Disney movie in that I’m grumpy, dopey, sleepy, and sneezy most of the time and I once got caught brushing my hair with a fork
TEACHER: do you know what estimate means
STUDENT: not exactly
TEACHER: yes you are right
STUDENT: about what
TEACHER: also correct
STUDENT: …i guess
TEACHER: wow you really know your stuff