If someone gives you a giant box of fudge, how long is it customary to pretend like you haven’t already eaten the entire box?
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After the “incident” at the family cabin, my Indian name is Bounces Off Deck.
DOCTOR: What’s the matter?
ME: I don’t know. Sometimes I feel like I’m a bad husband.
DOCTOR: I meant with your wife.
ME: Oh her water broke or something.
Hate it when you’re getting rad footage of an accident scene to put on Facebook & some loser says “Hey, aren’t you the paramedic we called?”
“Your highness, an egg has fallen off a wall”
“Send all my men”
“But excellency I…”
“And all of my horses too”
“I don’t…”
“ALL OF THEM!”
Every time I pull a gun at the bank, the tellers act so stuck up.
If I’m grilling and I can see you grilling, we will engage in a ceremonial tong click and bow.
Because of social distancing if someone cuts you off and gives you the finger you can’t get out and fight them which is why I now carry a jousting lance in the Jeep.
I’m rubber. You’re glue.
I don’t conduct low voltage electricity. You’re great for arts & crafts.
My son wasn’t listening so I said his attitude was super cringe and he looked up at me in horror and look at that he heard me.
This raises questions
Remember when you could strangle people with your phone? Those were the days..
When you think about it, crime not withstanding, all cars are getaway cars
My birthday is 9 months after the release of the movie Grease. So now I have to live with the truth that I was conceived while John Travolta was singing.
[job interview]
That’s all. Have any questions for us?
“Yes, did Air Bud get to use the team bathroom, or did they make him go outside?”
My nickname is Gilette because I’m the best a man can get. Also, I will cut you
I just don’t understand pedophiles, kids are SO annoying.
In my next life I’m coming back with money and good looks. This great personality shit is not working.
When I get naked in front of a man for the first time I never do it slowly and seductively, that would just give him time to get away.
was fired from my court stenographer job when the defendant was sentenced to 15-20 years and I remarked: “aww, big stretch!”
I’ve stopped drinking for good. I only drink for evil now.
CBS: “Tom Petty is dead.”
Tom Petty: “Don’t do me like that.”
Sorry not sorry.
me [to snail on ceiling]: ah ure a cute lil guy how’d u get up there?
snail: I just want to die pls why do I have to be so sticky
Dorothy: Follow the Yellow Brick Road.
Yellow Brick Road: I have a boyfriend.
Parenting a 3yo is basically a series of non stop negotiations.
Me: We have to leave the playground so we can do two more things.
3yo: no five more things!
Me: no, one more thing.
3yo: yay one more thing!
Bless their stupid little hearts.
*points to wrist* this is my Fitbit.
*points to rest of body* this is my fatbit.
“Hi I’m looking for a birthday card for my mom’s sister”
*hands you an extremely small card*
“WHAT IS THIS A CARD FOR AUNTS”
Yes
“Perfect”
Sometimes, when I look at an avi, I’m not sure if they’re trying to be sexy or if they’ve just been shot.
“Mommy, mommy, mommy, mom, mom, mommy, mom, mommy!”
-Mormon kids
While staying at hotels, I always ask for the oil stained parking lot view