*rearranges underwear drawer*
Neighbor: the party’s downstairs. Please get out of my room
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My favorite thing on Twitter is when two astrologers fight about who’s right.
My mother doesn’t believe in expiration dates, she’s on day 3 of believing in food poisoning.
Are you dating a bunch of bees?
Me: *covers up with fleece blanket*
Wife: *rips it off me* This is for the cats
JOB INTERVIEWER: it says here ur a postmodern deconstructivist…?
ME: did ur parents realy name u ‘Job’? especialy with a last name like urs?
local police are looking for a peeping tom, I’m heading over to pick up an application
I’ve got chicken fingers and a McRib, a few more parts and my monster will be complete.
Welcome to marriage. You have the right to remain silent. Anything you say can be used against you in a court of in-laws
I flossed the egg out of my teeth for this?
even bears disappoint their mothers
If you love something, set it free.
(Does not apply to ferrets.)*
*I am no longer allowed on the subway.
If your girl takes care of animals at the zoo treat her right cause she’s a keeper.
When a relative asks me what I’m doing with my life, I tell more lies than a guy at a computer whose wife just asked him what he’s doing.
Vowels were invented by old men trying to take their socks off
The global energy crisis could be solved if only we could harness the power of my wife slamming my car door.
{Apocalypse}
ME (To War, Famine, Pestilence and Death): Can I pet your horsies?
[roulette]
ME: [slaps table] 50 on red
CROUPIER: Sir that is 50 pictures of Celine Dion
ME: Yes and if I win [grabs him] you owe me 50 more
ethics professor: ur failing my class
me: [slides over $20] how about now
I’m 53 years old unless I’m driving at night in the rain. Then I’m 107.
“How much to hire a church singing group?”
“You mean a choir?”
“Fine, how much to acquire a church singing group?”
My wife celebrates Christmas on December 26th. That’s when she returns everything I bought her and gets what she wants.
Million dollar idea: a shirt made out of eyeglass cleaning cloth
Me: Damn, there is no better feeling than skin on skin
store employee: Sir, you…you know you know you have to buy that pack of chicken now right?
Robocop seems pretty cocky for a guy that can’t swim.
*being broken up with*
Me: I thought we were on the same page!
Her: We are! It’s just the page of the dictionary that has “awesome” and “awful” on it
Fact: an Owl’s head can rotate up to 840°, before it comes off in your hand.
What idiot called them dog tags instead of collar ID
Superman: Look, Lois! Up in the sky! It’s a bird! *squints* It’s a plane… *puts on glasses* Oh, it’s a plane.
Lois: CLARK?!?
i’m just a girl, standing in front of a fan, talking into it so i sound like a robot.
me: I hope you don’t mind that I got a dog for our son
wife: of course not, where is he
me: I just told you