*rearranges underwear drawer*
Neighbor: the party’s downstairs. Please get out of my room
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[in hell]
Me: *sneeze*
The devil: bless you
Me, waving as I float to heaven: haha, fool
the devil: DAMN YOU
Me, floating back to hell: dang
I actually think a giant wooden horse filled with soldiers would work BETTER to infiltrate a city now. Like, what’s the chance of someone trying that move twice?
My very high friend said “Imagine if cats got really big” and I said “Like tigers?” and he got very quiet.
9y.o: “Mom, how many eggs can make an omelette?”
Me: “Well,-“
9: “-I mean, if eggs break, can you still use them?”
Me: …
9: Like, if they smashed all over a floor, could you still make them?”
Me: …
9: “Yeah, so…how do you clean eggs off a floor?”
Amazon Review: Fine tooth comb
★ ☆ ☆ ☆ ☆
Comb doesn’t work. My teeth are still messed up. One star.
The bank wouldn’t cash my huge check so I am using it as shelter from the elements until I figure out how to get up the beanstalk to the giant teller window
A male president? What if he gets a BONER and it presses the button to launch all the nukes
My dog doesn’t even understand what I’m doing when I air guitar solos to metal ballads but she dutifully holds up her lighter.
If its a ghost ship why does it have to be on water
Don’t tell a lactose intolerant girl you’ll “rearrange her guts” you’re not doing anything to her a glass of milk can’t do
I literally never cry, so my body makes up for it by leaking out of different places. My doctor says it’s called “peeing” what a dumb idiot.
Thoughts and prayers for my starving teens suffering from fridge and pantry blindness
It’s like my therapist always says, “Please, put on your pants.”
My 6 year old keeps trying to play with me. What does he think I had his little sister for?!
Her: Don’t talk to me until I’ve had my coffee.
Me: Okay. When will that be?
Her: Oh, I don’t drink coffee.
detective: where’s that footage from the silo robbery?
me: i deleted it.
detective: why?
me: it was all grainy.
Ahh, birds chirping outside my window.
*lets the cat out*
*goes back to sleep*
For a quiet ride, buckle the empty seatbelt beside a child and tell them not to wake up the ghost.
Guys love it when you rest your head on their shoulder at the movie theatre.
Their girlfriends however… not so much.
Any question can be a rhetorical question if you walk away fast enough.
[kidnapper hands wife phone]
“brent”
BABY IM COMIN *kidnapper takes back phone but she can hear me yelling* IS THE HAM IN THE FRIDGE EXPIRED
Donald Trump says he’ll open up secret 9/11 files. Miley Cyrus says she’ll flee the country if Trump is elected. Connect the dots, people.
*crawls into windowless creeper van*
One kidnapping, please.
Tom Cruise has signed on for Mission Impossible V. His impossible mission is trying not to show up on everyone’s gaydar.
Fact: the lovable and cuddly panda bear is generally docile, but will shiv you for a can of Pringles.
Born to Do Math
#GeekySongsAndShows
so, what you’re saying is, if i don’t eat an apple a day, i’ll meet a doctor?
… sounds better than tinder
Nancy by Ernie Bushmiller 5-6-57
I don’t stroke my beard to seem wise. I’m just trying to get the crumbs out before you notice.
A kleptomaniac in a bakery really takes the cake