When I die, I want to donate my hands and feet to become the hands and feet of a snowman so people will think “Wow that snowman has a person inside!” But as it slowly melts they will realize that it’s just my severed hands and feet.
You Might Also Like
Counting calories is a great way to combine super fun things like math and not eating.
Cleaned bathroom sink half hour ago. Then trimmed mustache over sink. Oh … That’s what all those women I lived with were complaining about.
[picking out clothes] ah yes, what lovely garment shall i stain with food on this fine day
Don’t donate your plasma. It’s a big scam and they’re just using it to make TVs.
Wife said I should talk to the kids about drugs so I told them how faking a back injury would usually get you some Vicodin.
The dark side of Canada
Role playing didnt go so well last night. She was the hot sexy teacher and I the rebel student..so I ditched class. Cause schools for nerds.
New parent: So you have been a parent for 4 years. Any insight?
Me: It’s great. Sometimes you want to escape by faking your own death. But I’m sure it’s just a phase.
New parent: Oh, ok. How long does that last?
Me: So far? 4 years.
My husband said he needs to have sex and now he is mad at me. Apparently, asking ‘with each other’ was the wrong response.
Ryan Reynolds Said What?!
8: mummy would you like me to give you a massage every evening
Me: you will inherit everything I own
The Hallmark channel. Where else can you watch a two hour movie and not recognize a single actor?
Call me ignorant, but I have no idea what you’re talking about.
– “That’s exactly what ignorant means.”
I don’t get it.
Me pre-milkshake: Oohh! I’m gonna have a milkshake!
Me post-milkshake: I feel like hell and wish I were dead.
I’m so old they didn’t even name my generation. They just called us hoodlums.
This remains in the top 10 best memes of all time.
If monogamy is sex with only one person, what is origami?
If you are ever being attacked by a bear, be really mean to it. Just say some really messed up stuff about it. You’ll still die but that bear will be self-conscious from then on
My fitness app is exchanging me for a human that works properly.
At my funeral will you make sure the pallbearers say things like
“Wow, She’s so light.” and “Is she even in here?”
[office]
ME: I’m back from vacation!
BOSS: It’s been 4 1/2 years! You said a week in Venice!
ME: No, a week on Venus…which is 1701 days
I love my new crockpot. Now we can wait longer to eat my horrible cooking.
PSA:
Drunks will undercook grilled chicken every single time.
Friends don’t let friends get drunk and grill chicken.
[runs inside of a gas station]
“I NEED TO USE YOUR BATHROOM! IT’S AN EMERGENCY!”
*takes a selfie in the bathroom mirror for an IG # game
2020 feels like trying to jog while both of your feet are asleep.
Me: OMG I feel amazing!
WebMD: sounds like cancer!
It took years for my gf to get me to put down the toilet seat. Though, I really don’t know why I was carrying it around in the first place.
Just saw a doctor eating an apple. My whole life is a lie.
Dad: No wonder your Twitter account wasn’t hacked
Me: You weren’t worried?
Dad: Not at all, you’re not nearly interesting enough for the hackers