When a dish comes out of the dishwasher still dirty, I just put it back in for another round, because I believe in second chances.
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Did give Husband a haircut after three cocktails, but he thinks it looks great because three cocktails.
Texans can’t comprehend vegans. We just think their barbeque grills are broken.
My 4 year olds are looking in the mirror and trying to catch their reflections making a mistake.
NO I DON’T KNOW WHAT SIDE DISH I’M BRINGING BUT I’M ANNOYED SO IT WILL BE SOMETHING MASHED
Hey, girl at the gym that keeps moving to the opposite corner every time I get on the machine next to you, yes, I feel the chemistry too.
Gemma Correll
Hiphop cereal idea: Ludacrisp
In dog beers I’ve only had 2.
I hate handshakes. The bones really mess up the blender and the knuckles are hard to swallow.
Vampire: can I take you out to dinner?
Girl: am I the dinner?
Vampire: (sweating) ha ha no
the saddest part about self driving cars will be all the times people die mid trip and then ur dinner guests or pizza guy will arrive dead
I don’t usually accept blood pressure medication as payment but these old dudes are desperate and I’m sober.
I really hope someone makes a movie about a time traveler that keeps going to 2020 to fix it but makes it worse each time
Establish dominance at your doctor’s office by giving *him* the bad news first.
can’t imagine the number of vampires that have been run over since back up cameras on cars were invented.
“What should we call this thing in the ocean that is land?”
How about island?
“Seems too obvious”
What if we pronounced it weird
“Perfect”
“Plagiarism Squad reporting for duty.” / “Copy that.”
I brought a road drink with me while supervising my son’s learner driving. Unless that’s illegal, in which case, I did not & mind ya business
People use the term lab rat pejoratively even though there is probably no finer life than one dedicated to solving puzzles and eating cheeses.
just saw a tiktok of someone saying they’re “never buying garlic again” after they discovered “this hack” and literally planted garlic in their backyard a grew more. brother do u think u just discovered agriculture???
me: i can’t believe you cheated on me
him: phew! I was worried you’d believe it
4-year-old: We’re playing Star Wars. I’m a Jedi and Mom is a stormtrooper.
Me: What am I?
4-year-old: In the way.
1) Second. 2) Minute. 3) Hour. 4) Day. 5) Week. 6) Month. 7) Year. 8) Decade. 9) Century. 10) Millennium. 11) Women buying clothes.
“You can eat your eyeball after you clean your room.” Me, still parenting with Halloween candy.
me: this house is making lots of creaky sounds
realtor: that just means it’s settling
my fiancee: *creaky sounds*
Them: There are plenty of fish in the sea.
Me: There is also 14 billion tons of garbage in the sea.
I have an irrational fear that I’m accidentally making up words. I don’t want to be misunderstandable.
If I owned a bar, the only food I’d serve would be warm buns and it would have a dance floor. I would name it Abundance.
I am so sorry.
Water balloon fight, but the balloons are filled with mayo.
When my husband and I first moved in together we lived in a shady part of town. My dad told us we would be probably get robbed. The worst thing that happened was our neighbors having sex directly across from our balcony with the window and curtains open.