Reasons he didn’t text you:
– He forgot.
– He fell asleep.
– His phone died.
– His pet died.
– His GF died.
– He died.
– He thinks you died.
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Welcome to your 40s: that was a good cookie here’s four pounds.
happy mother’s day here is the result of my mom voice texting while talking to her dog
A child in the playground did an impressive move on the monkey bars
Wow, that’s pretty good, I said.
My 7 year old, without batting an eyelid, and not even realising he has Twitter potential, turned to me and uttered the words…
“Hold my rice cake”
[meeting GF’s mom]
Wow! This must be your sister! Your baby sister! *shakes keys in front of her face* I’m overselling this, aren’t I?
My Mexican friend is lactose intolerant. No whey Jose.
mobster: are you wearing a wire?
me: *speaking directly into the potted plant I’m carrying* no, of course not
That moment when u get shampoo in your eye
And start wondering what you will name your guide dog.
A chimney is the eyes into the Jesus.
When one chimney closes, God shuts another door.
The eyes of the door is where the Jesus is.
And then the fortune cookie company fired me
Doctor: It’s terrible. You’ve been diagnosed with Tetris.
Me: Doc, I think you mean Tetanus.
Doctor: This is serious!
Me: *neatly wedging myself into the corner of the room* You must be mistaken
What’s your favorite position?
Me: sleeping
ME: we need to focus. we’re so close to getting fired.
MY BRAIN:
America. Where assault weapons will protect your family, but two dudes getting married will destroy your family.
INTERVIEWER: If Harry Potter was real, what Hogwarts house would you be in?
ME: What do you mean “if” Harry Potter was real?
Warning:
This movie contains “Adult Themes” such as interest rates, bad knees, back pain, and excitement about going to bed early.
[ant colony]
husband: I am beat
wife: you’re the one who wanted to be in construction. I should’ve married a doctor
husband: yeah but *flexing* can a doctor lift 5,000 times his body weight?
wife: WE ALL CAN, GARY
[Me, in sign language, next to volcano]
The Earth soup is not for eating
911: what’s your emergency?
me: I taught my Dad how to text
911: the problem ma’am?
me: he CALLS to say “yeah, got ur text”
If you missed any of the most recent presidential debate, you can catch one side of it on any given Facebook friend’s page.
Stopped in a country store yesterday and they were not selling any countries. 0 out of 10. Would not recommend.
Turns out my toddler’s only ingredient for Banana Stew is bananas, and now I understand why she rolled her eyes when I asked for the recipe
Sure, we’ve all been through hard times, but even when I waitressed part time during college and ate ramen noodles every night for dinner I still saved my money for important things like Charmin double ply mega rolls.
[Chopped episode]
“In your baskets is a box of spaghetti olives fried chicken mozzarella cheese tomatoes and a package of Oreos.”
Me *opening Oreos*
“Clock hasn’t started.”
Me: There’s cookies.
“Those are for your dish.”
Me *munching*
There’s cookies.
It might sound childish, but when my wife pisses me off, I dry my hands on the towels that “are just for decoration”
Don’t eat sugar, don’t drink alcohol, don’t eat saturated fat, wear sunscreen, drink plenty of water, moisturize, and exercise….
And you’ll be the healthiest corpse in the morgue.
Every year tigers kill 150 people: it’s like they’re not even trying; there are billions of us
My teen’s stories have a beginning, middle, and I need $20.
What do you mean you don’t know what Care Bear would win in a fist fight? Get off me, this sex is over.
Americans Celebrate 10 Millionth ‘Bring Yourself To Work Day’
CORONAVIRUS: I can’t believe these humans aren’t taking me seriously just because they’re not in imminent personal danger right this second
CLIMATE CHANGE, SMOKING AN ABSOLUTELY ENORMOUS BLUNT: