Reasons he didn’t text you:
– He forgot.
– He fell asleep.
– His phone died.
– His pet died.
– His GF died.
– He died.
– He thinks you died.
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Legend states that when you’re in the middle of an existential crisis, a child will appear to cry about their sibling looking at them the wrong way
We all have our weaknesses. Yours are just more obvious.
[On phone]
“Did u see the weather forecast?”
“No. I refuse to be sucked in by Big Weather.”
“Where are you? Its so noisy.”
“IN A TORNADO.”
I secretly replaced my husbands coffee with the empty toilet paper roll he left in the bathroom. Let’s see if he notices.
[first day on the job at a mattress store]
Boss: I don’t think this is working out. You called these pillows headpuffs four times now.
Me: *sighing* I’m just trying to sell your nap trampolines.
4: Mommy, where do babies come from?
Me: Well, sweetie, when two people tolerate each other very much…
Let’s be honest, a forced 2 week quarantine will be the only way we’ll ever actually finish the laundry.
football coach: i need you guys to make a play
(8 months later at opening night)
football coach: wait wtf is this
Date – “so they had no other chairs?”
Me [sitting on an alpaca] “no”
Patient: Doc, my stomach is killing me.
DR DOG: *scratches chin* Have you tried eating grass?
Her : You hang up first.
Me : *click*
i don’t think you all understand. if Taylor Swift didn’t have a private jet she’d be Taylor Slow
Pretty sure it’s pronounced ASK body spray, thanks.
Twitter’s new verified account policy says that fictional characters aren’t eligible but all the Muppet accounts still have their blue checkmarks, confirming what I’ve suspected for years.
It makes me a little sad that shaking a vending machine might be the closest I ever come to fighting a robot.
age 20: I was in a car accident, my ride is totaled. I won’t be into work until after lunch
age 40: I did something to my back brushing my teeth, I need to lie down for 3 weeks
Me: I got the vaccine!
MIL: I’m coming for a visit
Me: I don’t want it anymore!
Life can be compared to a ‘Choose your own adventure’ book.
Sometimes there’s a happy ending; sometimes you get eaten by a bear.
Beep beep
Beep beep beep
Beep beep
Beep
Beep beep beep beep
Road Runner and R2D2 having a conversation
Girls like guys who take charge: ask her out, plan a date, take a hostage, overthrow a government, nuke her ex’s hometown, buy her a puppy.
If someone ever asks you to show up naked underneath a trench coat at their hotel…make sure you get the room number right.
[shopping on full stomach] bread, eggs, milk
[shopping on empty stomach] cookies, chips, a taco truck, a pizza shop, an ice cream factory
I had sex twice in 24hours and I’m so glad that I have 4000 people to brag about it to
Can someone Venmo me $74,000?
I’ll take you camping.
Carl: Gonna be a hot one today.
Me: Tell me something I don’t know.
Carl: Male ostriches can roar like lions.
Me: Fair enough, Carl.
I want to be the first Disney princess who uses three layers of pizza to suffocate the main villain.
Call me Pizzerella de Mozzarella.
My wife just said “I’m fine” and “Do whatever you want” in a single sentence so if you never see another tweet from me again, y’all know the reason.
*tries to lasso the remote control with my Fitbit tied to a shoestring*
A scientist who studies Adam’s apples is called a guyneckologist.