Reasons I put my kids to bed on time:
3) They need their rest.
2) Routine is important.
1) “Game of Thrones” is on.
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Couldn’t find my keys so I retraced my steps back to when I was a piece of phosphorescent algae floating in the primordial sea, and yep there they were
i don’t think you all understand. if Taylor Swift didn’t have a private jet she’d be Taylor Slow
Imagine the things Wile E. Coyote could have done if he’d had access to Amazon Prime Days.
if you fall at the winery that’s a sauvignon bonk
BANK ROBBER: ok hands in the air. nobody move. slide to the left. slide to the right. take it back now y’all. one hop this time
If pigeons and chickens made a tribe would the be called the coo clucks clan ?🤔
A guy just tried to mansplain me what a sawhorse is but I shut him down because I am well aware that it’s the past tense of seahorse! Ok, thanksbuhbye.
“Endless shrimp” sounds nice until you realize they are serious. It’s a threat. The shrimp will never stop.
ME: we can probably take our masks off now since we’re outside
BANK ROBBER: you massive idiot
I enjoy how fitbit tracks the calories I burn just by being alive. I like getting credit for that.
*Flicks cigarette after a long drag* Here’s the thing, kids. Wolves don’t have lips so they can’t blow at all. That wolf was framed.
If you love someone just tell them. Or get drunk and text them 75 times, that’s practically the same thing.
*controversially folds piece of paper lengthwise*
Salt and pepper shakers add an air of mystique to any bathroom
Me: Hello?
Satan: I’d like to make a return
Me: ALL SALES ARE FINAL
My boss waters the fake plant outside my office and I let him continue doing it because it makes me laugh every single time
#HighSchoolTaughtMe how to solve any math word problem
HER: do you mind having period sex?
ME: not at all. can we try the Industrial Revolution?
everybody’s gangsta until seaweed touches their leg
‘I don’t know, man…that deer could have rabies.’
~nervous tics
My self care time these days looks a lot like me lying on the floor while my 3yo does a high impact circus routine on my back.
Can’t afford a deep tissue massage? Try sleeping with a toddler
hm so saying “oh god” and “oh yes” during sex is acceptable and encouraged but as soon as i say “oh text RESIST to 50409 to support net neutrality” im suddenly ruining the mood??
[the first ever boomerang]
HIM: Get rid of it
ME [scared] I can’t
My 18yo daughter doesn’t think I’m funny, so I’m going to show her bf that tap dancing video she did in second grade to ‘ice ice baby’
HR said I have to stop yelling “let’s make a baby” every time I want to collaborate on a project with someone.
[real estate agent giving a tour of my brain]
And here we have yet another breakfast niche
My 9-year-old is very passionate about learning to play the piano. She’s even more passionate about learning to play the piano at 6:37 in the morning.
Do regular squirrels think flying squirrels are super heroes??!
Tempting fate by recklessly eating salsa in my tennis team shirt an hour before I need to leave for my son’s tournament.