Reasons I visit a TL:
1. You’re a genius
2. You’re far from a genius
3. I like you
4. I know you hate me and want you to know I know
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Corn mazes should just be called maizes from now on
I wonder how many tragedies I’ve prevented by standing nearby with my hands on my hips saying “Be careful!”
Strange how FB doesn’t automatically add the enemies of your enemies as your friends,
Friend 1: If I ever get married again, it’s going to be for love.
Friend 2: Well if I ever get married again, it’s going to be for money.
Me: If I ever get married again, it’s because I’m an idiot.
Me: What are we doing for Valentine’s Day?
My Husband: Raising three kids
The word “Caesar” has always bothered me. It looks like a and e are mad at each other.
[walking on beach]
[find bottle with message in it]
Message: IS YOUR FRIDGE RUNNING?
[another bottle with message washes against my feet]
The first rule of Minecraft club, is we do not talk about anything other than Minecraft!!
8-12yo’s apparently
Yes liquor stores are essential businesses, today it was essential that I get port to go with my cigars.
the noise i just made
Why do they only put expiration DATES on food? It’d be fun as hell if they gave us the exact time too. “We got 8 minutes to eat this ham!!!”
HER: Shake what your momma gave you!
ME: *Tosses around crippling anxiety and male pattern baldness*
Me: If I were you, I’d confront your boss
Friend: You would?
Me: I wouldn’t. If I were you, I would. If it were me, I’d do what you’re doing
I thought I felt a spider crawling on my neck.
Now I have to pretend I was breakdancing at this bank.
House arrest? Your Honor, if anyone is going to be punished here it should be me. My house has done nothing wrong.
[Half of my body is already in the anaconda]
“Is this a date? This feels like a date.”
Just saw that french fries, sugar, and coffee speed up the aging process, so my age right now is 172.
My wife has been smelling gas at our fireplace insert for 25 years, and it’s electric.
*Decision made
I was thinking of being narsysistic.
But I can’t spell it.
So I’m going to be vein.
kid: whats the meaning of life?
me: life is like a bag of Doritos, when you get to a point where you think youve had enough, you notice there isnt much left in the bag, so you just power through to the end
kid: where do babies come from?
me: babies are like a bag of Doritos…
[waits until purge night to illegally download music]
“Here taste this ” followed by a 32 minute speech on all the ingredients.
What do we want?
A CURE FOR PARANOIA
When do we want it?
WHO WANTS TO KNOW
Detective: Thefts of geese from the local park have continued. Who wants to look at the report?
Me: I’ll take a gander
Detective: *eyes me suspiciously*
The flight attendant has said “..and one in the rear” 3 times now and I’m Paul. I’m 12 years old.
My therapist says I’m making progress but that’s only because I lie to her
pharaoh: over my dead body!
pyramid architect: that’s where we’ll build it, yes.
Make your own bacon by tricking a pig into running headlong through a harp.
In English, a double negative forms a positive. in some languages, like Russian, a double negative is still a negative. In no language in the world can a double positive form a negative.
yeah…. right…