Reasons people get divorced:
-irreconcilable differences
-infidelity
-finances
-husband starts using the term boi
-lack of intimacy
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With this onion ring, I thee fed
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I was feeling really festive watching the fireplace channel on tv, until I got confused and tried to throw another log in there.
when you finally break down and clean the kid’s bathroom
“Hi I’m Dave and I’m an alcoholic”
*uncomfortable murmur*
“I’ll be your captain today. Our flight time into Phoenix will be 3 hours and
if working for a big corporation has taught me anything, it’s that these multimillionaire business owners won’t get rich if the little people like me sit around on my phone tweeting all day
*Invents silent snack packages. *Becomes president of the United States.
Hello I am Tightbeard McShoulderchest and my favourite workout is standing in everyone’s way in front of the gym equipment checking my phone
ANGEL: what are we gonna call the 11th month? I was thinking Vember.
GOD: no, no Vember. Vember is my ex.
ANGEL:
GOD: [taking bong rip] lmao, so this is gonna sound really petty but I just had an idea-
After all these years Jude Law has finally noticed me and responded to my love letters. Something about staying 500 feet away? I’m getting it framed
Vin Diesel eats two meals a day:
1) Breakfast
2) Breakfurious
I remember Daddy told me fairy tales can come true so any time an old lady offers me an apple or cookie I kill her and bury her in the woods
When your wife asks you to dig
a hole for her shrub-She’ll feel threatened if you make
it large enough to hold a body.I know this now.
america famously invented speed limits during the cold war, back when they didn’t trust anyone that was rushin’
People that say, “If you already have a couple of kids, what’s a couple more?” have obviously never had four kids.
Today on House Hunters, we’ll attempt to entangle Hugh Laurie in a giant net.
*watching smart car washed away in a flood on the news*
If it was really smart it would know how to swim.
Exposed Ashley Madison users feel hurt & betrayed, unsure if they can ever trust again.
My wife and I decided to tell each other one thing about the other that bothered them. Everything was going great until it was my turn.
Here I was walking around having a good day when suddenly my 10yo asks ‘isn’t it weird that out of all the multiverses we live in the one where Spider-Man is a fictional character?’
a snail bet me £1000 he could get home before i could and i didn’t really think it thru properly can anybody lend me money?
Me: OMG I love this song
Radio: should I play it again
Me: okay
Radio: fifteen times
Me: wait
Radio: every hour
Me: no
Radio: for the next six months
i hired way too many actors for my movie about weather. it was overcast, is what im saying
[hell]
-What are you in for?
-Rape, murder. You?
-I invented web ads that make you wait to skip past them.
-[backing away] That’s messed up.
If you attempt to rob a bank you won’t have any trouble with rent/food bills for the next 10 years whether you are successful or not.
Seriously, if you hacked Trump’s account and wanted to make him look bad, WHAT THE HELL WOULD YOU EVEN TWEET.
I really need to go on the show Survivor. Not for the money or the fame. It’s just the only way I’m ever gonna effectively lose weight.
How do horror writers compete with current events?
Mr & Mrs Smith is my favorite movie about how trying to kill your spouse & demolishing your house can bring the magic back to your marriage
I only keep Facebook for the birthday reminders and to randomly unfriend people so they wonder what they did wrong.