Reasons Pluto is so cold:
3) It’s far from the sun
2) Its atmosphere is too thin to trap heat.
1) It found out we said it’s not a planet.
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an airline just for babies.
most villains can be defeeted with a simple bone saw.
I could totally be a squirrel matador. Possibly.
God: you can breathe underwater!
Fish: nice.
God: also eat and drink underwater.
Fish: so where do I go to the bathroom?
God:
Fish: just on the land or something?
wife: why is the automatic soap dispenser in the kitch- *hazelnut creamer squirts into her hand*
Honey, someone thinks I’m subtweeting them again..
Honey?
*sees a babe about to walk through a puddle*
“No no, allow me”
*gets on hands and knees and drinks the entire puddle so the babe stays dry*
Me: *delivering breakfast in bed*
Wife: OMG! What a nice surprise!
Me: Would you say it was uneggspected?
Wife:
Me: Omelette you eat now
“Thanks for turning me into an expression of contempt. Sorry about making delicious nourishment so damned accessible.”
-Low-hanging fruit
start pet casino? explore legality
shit this isn’t my notes app
Just pulled my classic move of not replying to a text immediately to avoid looking desperate and the forgetting to ever reply to it, making me look unreliable instead.
1900: Let’s filter coffee.
1950: We need to filter cigarettes.
1970: We should really filter water.
2015: I want to filter my face.
I need plastic surgery to fix whatever it is about my face that gives people the impression I want to hear about their relationship problems
Astrology seems kinda silly to me, but what do I know? I’m a Pisces, and we’re just so damn indecisive.
I just want someone to miss me the way my 3 year old nephew misses me when I go to the washroom.
What happens when you wear flowy sleeves? They get caught on every doorknob you walk past.
your honor my client feels very bad he got caught
I’ve had a bag of bolts on my desk for a week, and I can’t for the life of me remember what they’re for.
There are going to be a lot of drunk mosquitos tonight.
Her: I have a funeral to go to but I don’t have a date yet.
Me: Aw, you can’t go alone?
She meant the date of the funeral.
I know that now
Things will get butter, keep churning
Remembering when I taught middle school and some girls wanted to have a Twilight book club in my classroom and then they uninvited me when they found out I was team Jacob
The tag on my jeans says “Relaxed” so it obviously doesn’t have children.
Took me thirty five minutes to tighten the screw in my glasses because I didn’t have my glasses on.
ME: these fireworks are so quiet
WIFE: those are palm trees
‘It’s about the journey, not the destination’ sounds like something the inventor of the hot air balloon came up with.
Customer Service Person: is there anything else I can help you with today?
Me: Is this a date? It feels like a date now.