Reasons to carry a handkerchief:
3) You’ve never heard of tissues
2) You’re doing a magic trick
1) You’re hiding your face to rob a train
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I brought a glue gun to a knife fight. Those knives aren’t going anywhere.
[animal noises] it’s only those with a destination who can be lost
Men love when you forget to wash your make-up off & wake up looking like an adorable raccoon but they don’t love when you randomly wake them up with terrifying raccoon noises at 3 AM. Interesting. Very interesting.
DATE: If you don’t stop talking like a phone sex operator I’m gonna leave.
ME: oh yeah? *low raspy voice* ..and then what are you gonna do?
My kids love playing pretend. My 9yo pretends to be a dinosaur and my 13yo pretends she doesn’t know us.
Imagine going on a date with someone holding a fish in their dating profile picture and when you get to the restaurant it’s just a salmon sitting there waiting
‘Escalator’ is what He-Man’s enemy is called in Spain.
Human beings are the absolute worst, so tomorrow I’ll be a wombat.
Who called him Spider-Man and not Netflix?
STUDENT: Is there anything I can do to get my grade up?
TEACHER: {biting lip} There may be one thing.
ME: {sitting on couch mouthful of popcorn} Make him retake the class!
I assured my wife that I should be left alone to play video games because I had plenty of time to get the dry cleaning and now I’m here and the cleaners decided to close early today for a “family event” and I think I just shouldn’t bother going home and just walk into the ocean.
God gives everyone a hot cousin to test us.
Our ‘thoughts and prayers’ go out to all the vegans and innocent cabbages everywhere.
Day 22 of quarantine and I’ve turned my living room into a nudist colony. The kids hate it but I’ve finally obtained some privacy
When a couple I’m friends with splits up, I always choose sides with the one who won’t ask to sleep on my couch.
I thanked my husband for favoriting one of my tweets and he said: ‘Ya that was an accident.’
You come to my house…on the day my daughter is to be married…and you ask me to do murder for money
[soldier dying in my arms]
“You take this & you give it to my wife.”
“No [pushes watch back to soldier] she lives really far away from me.”
Remember: You can kill someone and wear their skin as a suit, but it’s not identity theft until you use their debit card. Be smart about it.
classic mixup
No one running the NFL Insta account saw a problem here
If I had a crystal ball, I’d probably walk differently.
H: “Whatcha doing?”
Me: “Going on twitter to hang out.”
H: “Twitter is an app, not a place.”
Me: *whispers venomously* “Is too a place!!”
Me: I cleaned under the fridge and there were a bunch of Honey Nut Cheerios
Wife: How do you know they weren’t regular Cheerios???
Me: …
Wife: …
Me: *drinks water*
[candy store]
ME: I’d like to return this Tic Tac.
CLERK: It looks partially eaten.
ME: It’s still in…
CLERK: Don’t
ME: …mint condition.
That awkward moment when the poltergeist in the TV calls you by the wrong name.
Ew, there is no way I’m touching that hand sanitizer dispenser.
No expert, but pretty sure the chickens need a new toner cartridge now
“Ok, guys, before you start calling me a pervert, let me just say I found a great source of protein.” — The first guy who ever milked a cow.