Reasons to carry a handkerchief: 3) You've never heard of tissues 2) You're doing a magic trick 1) You're hiding your face to rob a train

@DaddyJew: My dog asked what it was like to be human, so I told him that talking was a good start.

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@Underchilde: More than eighty percent of the world records I hold are for making shit up.

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@FloodyHippie: My cat was bitten by a squirrel and I have to suck the rabies out before she slips into a double cheese burger. --how I cancel dates

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@InnocentMarina6: Stupid Autocorrect you're always posting some thong you didn't Nintendo

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@ashleyaustrew: 4: "Mom, I'm gonna be just like you when I grow up and say bad words and eat French fries two at a time."

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