You’re so dead to me I sent flowers to your mother
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*grandpa walks in with a bearded man in a plaid shirt & skinny jeans*
“uhh grandpa who’s that?”
“my hip replacement”
If my mobile provider started charging 3 times as much as their nearest competitor but there was no voicemail, I’d still stay with them.
“Some people call me the space cowboy”
*leans in*
“Some people call me the gangster of love”
BARISTA: I’m just gonna put Steve on the cup
My daughter looked me dead in the eye and said “Daddy, no matter what.. We gotta keep going and hope to see another day.” I just wanna know what the hell they got going on in her pre-k that’s so stressful that she came across that saying
I asked my friend if he wanted a drink and he said to surprise him so I brought back a side salad.
It’s not fair how teenagers today can avoid social interaction with family by staring at their phones
I had to show my contempt by grunting
(me, five months after an argument with my boyfriend)
And another thing!
Worst reasons to wake up to a strange voice at 3am:
1. home intruder
2. haunting
3. bluetooth speaker lady complaining she wants more power
*takes an exam in a coffin*
*passes*
I see Paris, I see France, I got a great new pair of binoculars from an overpriced sporting goods store today
Her: *leaving seductively, slowly dragging fingertip across countertop*
Mgr: What’d she want?
Me: nothing.
Mgr: Where’re all the donuts?
IT’S CHRISTMAS EVE, NOT CHRISTMAS STEVE!!
When a cop opens the car door for you, promises you an overnighter and talks about bonding… you’re not on a date with him, you’re spending the night in jail.
I know this now.
SON: can I yell bomb at the airport
DAD: no
SON: I can yell boom
DAD: boom’s ok
SON: how about “my mom’s a lesbian now”
DAD: please don’t
Scientists have recently discovered that Rhino horns are radioactive “I wouldn’t touch ’em if I was a poacher” said 1 massive grey scientist
[during sex]
Him: are you on your phone?
Me: it’s called live tweeting maybe you’ve heard of it
INTERVIEWER: On average, how often do you miss work?
ME: *sweating profusely* NO ONE SAID THERE’D BE MATH
65 mph wind gusts today. This is why Midwesterners are heavy. Everyone else rolls away like a tumbleweed.
The fact that jellyfish have survived for 650 million years despite not have brains is great news for stupid people.
Her: Do you like Disney?
Me (trying to flirt): I like both knees.
If you call me “daddy” in bed I will immediately stop what we are doing and make you clean your room
Me: What do you call a tailor that only alters pants? A slacker.
Cop: Please exercise your right to remain silent.
I think more men would go to therapy if it was competitive. “Fourteen points in healthier communication? Yes! Eat my dust, Kyle! You emotionally unavailable loser!”
– Are you sure these figures aren’t exaggerated?
– Million percent.
Do I work hard? No. But do I work smart to compensate. Absolutely not.
STEWARDESS: omg the plane’s about to crash but the SOS message can only be 140 characters! what are we going to do??
ME: *slowly stands up*
While taking a nap with my daughter, my 4 year old son creeps into my bed, fiddles with my bra hooks for 5 minutes, then gives up and passes out snoring next to me. No need for a paternity test, he’s definitely my husband’s son.
cat guru: ask yourself – what is the sound of a hairless cat coughing up a hairball
The most unbelievable song lyric of all-time is a woman saying “it’s raining men” and another woman following-up with “hallelujah!”