Cling wrap is for people who want to save food but also wrestle a bear.
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The girl in front of me googled “med school GPA” and then immediately after googled “what can I do with a biology degree”.
I have witnessed someone face reality.
If he says “you’re 1 in a million” it means he either has no knowledge of the world population or he thinks there are 7000 people like you
I hope nobody on my yearbook page ever becomes famous.
It’s not every day Woody Harreslon writes your daughter a poem 🥹
There are three types of people:
1. Annoying people
2. Annoying people I am sleeping with
3. People I haven’t met
Olive Garden said “when you’re here, you’re family” so I always bring a family therapist, a lawyer, a young priest, and an old priest with me, in case they are anything like mine.
[in bed, 6 AM]
Me: Good morning.
Wife: mmmph
Me: Happy Easter.
Wife: mmhmm
Me: Guess who else is also Risen this morn-
Wife: GO AWAY
I quit my job after my boss started paying me in vegetables.
I couldn’t live off of that celery.
Date: any pets?
Me: a pet rock
D: lol at least u don’t have to housetrain it
Me: *flashback to piles of pebbles all over my house* haha yeah
The news reported a story about an angry woman, in a grocery store, that drop-kicked a cake.
Dear God, woman. Not the cake!
Was my family happy about the new “no phones at the dinner table” rule? No. But did we have some great conversations as a result? Also no.
I brought sexy back and man was that Kohl’s cashier confused.
[Date]
Her: you’re a twin too?! what does your brother do?
Me: *trying to hide that I keep him in a medically-induced coma in case I need his organs* not much
Her: …
Me: you see I keep him in a medically-induced coma in case I need his organs
I’m not getting fatter. I’m increasing my content.
Me: *leaning into him* I wanna do things to you that are illegal in 50 states
Him: yeah?
*steals his car*
Did you ever think about ten years ago you’d be saying.. “I really hope this is a chick I’m talking to”.
I just ordered a life alert bracelet, so if I ever get a life I will be notified immediately.
Sticker placement is key.
Real women don’t wish their enemies would die, just that they’ll get fat.
My eye doctor is alarmingly young and when he said he thought I had a chalazion or a hordoleum I thought he might be referencing Pokémon
9: Whatcha watching?
Me: Tiny Houses.
9: Wow it’s tiny! Who’s gonna live there?
Me: Two people.
9: Are they married?
Me: Not for long.
Old professor stands in front of class:
Look to your left. Now look to your right. Now look directly behind you. Welcome to Owl School
Whoever created crustless pot pie had no clue why people eat pot pie.
Welcome to your 40s: you’re not exhausted that’s just your face now.
Him: And if you don’t have my money by Friday I’ll send my 5 toughest guys to beat it out of you
Me: Okay first of all I’m incredibility flattered that you think it’ll take 5 of you to win…
The best way to refuse a credit card telemarketer is to tell them you’re unemployed. Guarantees them hanging up within seconds.
The platypus is the hotdog of the animal kingdom. All the leftovers were thrown together, and people just accepted it.
[colonizing Mars]
M:a:r:s
handy tip: if a bigger dude wants to fight you, immediately start crying so people just think you two are breaking up
I hate when my husband brings home the cheap, sandpaper-ish toilet paper and then I realize I’m super unmarried and I only have myself to blame for this