Reasons to jump:
1. Trampoline
2. Skydiving
3. Bungee jumping
4. Kris Kross made you
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Now that we’re divorcing,
I’m definitely not finishing that scarf I’ve been knitting you for nine years
Ok you know that Australian speed skater who won gold because he was in last place but everyone in front of him got into a crash and he won? I think that might be tumblr
Tell the barista your name is Beetlejuice and quietly walk out.
Jesus said if a man strikes you, to turn the other cheek
…but the rest of the instructions are, plant foot, use your legs and throw a right hook back!!
– my Dad
[INT. STARBUCKS – DAY]
Me: Theres a large rat in the bathroom
Barista: ?
Me: A large rat
Barista: ?
Me: THERES A VENTI RAT IN THE BATHROOM
11yo said he can’t wait to grow up so he won’t have to do chores anymore. I had forgotten how cathartic it is to laugh until you cry.
Look at this fly rubbing his hands together, what is he up to?
Astrogeologists: do telescope/remote sensing on distant objects.
Astrologists: use horoscope/do not remotely make sense/object when dissed.
old lady: that’s not necessary
me: [installing twitter on her phone] look lady i carried your bags, the least u can do is follow me online
Cop: Tell me again why there’s a guy in your trunk.
Me: I told him he would look good in it.
My kids couldn’t give two shits about personal hygiene unless we are running late somewhere
[Jurassic Park]
kid: What do you call a blind dinosaur?
me: What?
kid: Do-you-think-he-saurus
me *pushes him out of the tree*
If Reincarnation ends up being real…
Those People who got “YOLO” tattoos are going to look… Pretty Silly
I’m always confused at fancy restaurants. Which spoon do you throw at the screaming toddler?
scoring in hockey: 1, 2, 3, 4, 5
scoring in baseball: 1, 2, 3, 4, 5
scoring in basketball: 2, 4, 6, 8, 10
scoring in tennis: love, 15, 30, 40, turkey sandwich, spider, 57, keanu reeves
The cable company told me they would send a guy out and I need to be home between the hours of 1pm and 2014.
Me: “What’s your favorite shoe brand?”
Person: “Converse.”
Me: “We’re already talking.”
Hemorrhoids should be called a more gender-neutral name, such as themorrhoids.
son: I don’t think he likes me
wife: your dad just has a hard time showing affection
me: [holding bag of doritos] GOD I LOVE DORITOS
“Stomach…Lungs…Kidneys….Heart.” –
Me, at my organ recital.(Not even slightly sorry)
me: hey can I read that recipe
internet: here’s a video of how to make it
me: can I just read it
internet: WATCH THE VIDEO
no matter how many years they’ve been practicing, a bagpipe player always sounds like they started learning that day
No matter how bad things get I remind myself I could be trapped in a pyramid scheme convinced I’m a business owner.
This weather better stop actin like my teenager’s mood
[my funeral]
college professor(standing over my casket): I just want to remind you that attendance is a big part of your final grade.
DOCTOR: I’m afraid I’ve got bad news
ME: *pulls an apple from pocket*
DOCTOR: *sweating* GOOD NEWS, I MEANT GOOD NEWS
My service cat has walked me into traffic 14 times today.
If you can’t be with the one you love, stab the one you’re with.
Part of me says I can’t keep drinking like this. The other part of me says, don’t listen to her, she’s drunk
If you hold a cat by the tail you learn things you cannot learn any other way.