Reasons to keep spiders around
1. Eat flying insects
2. Occasional source of protein during sleep
3. We make rad webs
4. They do i mean they
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COP: are you armed
ME: yes
COP: your “love gun” doesn’t count
ME [sadly]: then no
Watching tv with 4 and now he knows the word crescent.
All I learned as a kid was how hard to hit a cat with a frying pan without killing it
Them: Who’s your favourite soccer player?
Me:
[HONK HONK]
…one more honk and I’m gonna…
[HONK]
*gets out of my car*
*walks to the car behind me*
*feeds the driver’s goose some bread*
Dentist: “And do you floss?”
Me: “Yes!”
My 5yo who had to come to my appointment with me: “No you don’t.”
I’ve never wanted to know the answer to anything bad enough to ask a question at the end of a meeting that’s running 30 minutes over time.
If someone lends you their audio book, try not to lose it. You’ll never hear the end of it.
THE TITANIC WAS A REAL SHIP??????
can y’all stop breaking each others hearts, the gym is getting too packed
Which of the f’s in ‘Jeff’ is silent?
[airplane nose dives]
*turns to kid behind
‘Could you please stop kicking my seat!’
Many people are surprised to hear I’m married because I scream it at them as I descend from their broken skylight in the dead of night.
You’re one day closer to death AND you get free cake? What’s not to like about birthdays?
Keep yourself entertained during quarantine by taking daily mail comments and putting them on New Yorker cartoons to create your own satirical comics.
Kim Kardashian compared getting through her divorce was like beating cancer. Except cancer is real. She should compare her stupidity to it.
me, realizes 5 is hiding behind the couch: what are you doing back there?
5: nothing…I don’t have scissors
[when my crystal pendant starts glowing eerily] hold on, i’d better take this
If I ever had a wedding I would give certain guests a “-1” where they get to pick another guest and disinvite them
[SEXTING]
ME: tell me what you likeHER: I really get off on exhibitionism
ME: OK, cool, weird that museums turn you on but cool
My wife’s left me for being too clingy & needy.😢
No wait, she’s back. She hadn’t left me, she was just making a cup of tea.God I missed her.
I’m quite sure if Adam had offered Eve a donut, that whole Garden of Eden thing would’ve gone in an entirely different direction.
You think the nativity guys ever hung out again. having beers like haha remember when we saw that baby
My dentist told me I need a crown. I was like I KNOW, RIGHT?
You’ve said it before and I’ll say it again
-Plagiarists
According to this Fitbit, the coroner should’ve been here 10 minutes ago.
But is it really??
Possible Tic-Tac-Toe results:
a.) it’s a tie
b.) you’re an idiot
There’s two people you never, ever, ever talk to: cops and comics.
My kids would rather hide a plate in the most obscure, hard to reach places in our home just so they don’t have to take a 5 second walk and return it to our kitchen.
I can’t go to jail…
I have serious food allergies!